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martes, abril 30
i dont even know what to write any more....lately ive just been writting and writting a bunch of nonsenseicleness...im tired....im gonna go to sleep early...before the birds come out...thats what somebody once told me....go to sleep before the birds come out...im sad now...ok...gnite and thank you.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:10:00 a. m.
meep....its me again....today i was actually useful....i went to my sisters godmothers house to set up their computer...so i guess that was ok....um...it was hot today, but i turned on my a/c...so i was fresh for the afternoon...yay....
well, i already know that im an emotinal wreck....and i shouldnt do anything to agrivate it..what do i do?..i go and watch sad things on the telly...im not very smart....i watched the gilda radner movie...of course i was crying through like the last half hour....cancer scares me....i know that i will get it...or already have it....ive always told my mother that if i ever had cancer that i wouldnt go and get the treatments....i dont want chemo..or to go through those painful tests.....when they put that big needle in your bone....no....just give me drugs til i die from the cancer...yes im stupid...maybe if i had a reason to live...but no
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
2:12:00 a. m.
lunes, abril 29
well, i guess i didnt die in my sleep...but oh well...moving on
its hot...as always...my hair is bugging me...as always....i hate life...as always
strange dream report...well i had a dream in which my family was having a gathering of sorts here at my house...i had to go hug and shake all their hands..like 50 family members(i dreamt this cos sat i meet with "friends" and i hugged and shook their hands)...those to stalker girls were in my dream again...this time they wanted to know about one of my friends from some time ago...then there were these geraniums and begonias...the floweres....well..they didnt want to be touched....so when you touched them...theyd move away...or shudder...weird no?....but so is my life...other than that i dont recall any more...
i guess i should explain the whole 2 girl thing...well...they are inspired by real people....ok a while back i was trading in some used cds for some new ones....well i traded in like 44 used cds and got 11 new ones....anyway, i was in line for a long time cos the cashier had to be checking all the cds...so these 2 girls get in line behind me and they start talking to me...to my dismay of course...so one of the girls is all like...i love your shirt....i love your hat....what type of music do you listen to..etc....so i didnt want to be rude, so i responded....of course there was nothing in common...and i really wasnt attracted to her at all....so then shes all like..."do you have a girlfriend" and im all like...no....i should have lied....so shes all like...can i have your email and number...so i gave her my email and my cell number(i think my mind is one step ahead of me cos in the phone number, one of the digits was wrong...i didnt even notice it) so then she emails me and shes all like your phone isnt working?...i think that i emailed her once...and then i just disappeared....i did feel bad, but im just very bad in these sort of situations....and that is why i have dreamt about those 2 girls in 2 different dreams...gah.
i guess ill write some more about the sat get together....it was a very trying day...i had gotten little sleep....1.we went to a restaurant..of course i was the weird one and just had fries....2....went to the mall and i was a bad influence on my "friends"..3...visited my "friends" work place and freaked out the employees..it was really wonderful to see him work his magic....it was just really nice being around him after not having seen him for a year...sometimes i think that i try to hard...anyway..4..went to office depot to look for some paper(it gave me flash backs...ahh!!!!)...5...went to another mall and visited the 99 cent store..we all had a nice laugh when we saw the bare breasted pig lady little statues....6....bought some food at the stars drive thru....guess what i had...no, not fries...i had tater gems...and a lime slushee...6...went to a park to eat our catch...we were attacked by both a dog and a tailess cat....7...went to some bar to see if some band was playing....many bikers were there...the band wasnt going to play til later so we left one of our "friends" there...8...went to "friends" house to see her baby....9....got home....was mighty tired....but of course i didnt go to sleep early...that was enough excitement to last me a whole year without going out again....
i actual shook hands and hugged...in the past i wouldnt shake hands or hug people...boy was i weird....anyway, i would have actually hugged everybody, but that is frowned upon in this sheltered place that we live...i settled for the hand shakes....meep.
i guess that today i am some what more calm...well somewhat...i just need for everything to sink in....its hot, i want a watermelon raspa...mmmmm
why is it always easier to write things than say them...sometimes you think that somebody just totally is indifferent to you, and then you read something that they wrote...but then again, im one of those paranoiacs that thinks everbody is out to get them...and if i read something nice...well i just think that they just wrote something nice so that they wouldnt come off as being mean...but then again, im messed up in the head and im a stupid idiot moron.
thats all....
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
6:12:00 a. m.
domingo, abril 28
i am sorry for what is about to be writ...please forgive me....i didnt choose this....it chose me
i cant fucking believe that im actually going to do this....here goes nothing.
a few hours ago i was looking at a picture on one of the websites of the smiling charmer and listening to cat powers version of the vu song "i found a reason" and then it happen, i just broke down...pitiful really, everything just started flashing, all my inner feelings and thoughts...me being a phony...me not being able to be the real me...the person i like....losing the most important person in my life(mind)...harsh realities...here are the lyrics, PLEASE read them..it may help you understand...
i found a reason to keep living, and the reason dear is you
i found a reason to keep singing, and the reason dear is you
oh, i do believe, if you dont like things you leave
for someeplace youve never gone before
honey, i found a reason to keep living
you know the reaon dear its you
ive walked down lifes lonely highways
hand in hand with myself
and i realize how many paths have crossed between us
oh i do believe you are what you perceive
what comes in better than what come before
and youd better come
come come come to me
come come come to me
youd better come
come come come to me
well, today was a wonderful day, i saw the one person who i had wanted to see for a very long time...and yes, the charmer was smiling....it was just the best thing in the world....i felt alive....there was not one unhappy thought in my mind....everthing was set aglitter....i didnt want the short visit to end...it was heaven...it made my whole body smile all over....i was alive....but i knew that this was all wrong....i was wrong.....the whole happiness was wrong....my heart was wrong....this just isnt right, im not right....unnatural...i am unnatural....wrong....but at that moment...none of this was of importance for this was just for me, my private thoughts...not to ever be unearthed...told...for doing so would surely bring nothing but misfortune....so all of this was just gonna be for me...forever...but them, when a few hours ago i had my little breakdown....all things seemed to fall into place...i just decided that the truth was the way to go....even though i know that this will probably cost me the friendship of a very wonderful person, really the only thing thats mattered to me in a long time, but i know that this must come out, that once it is out i will be able to move on....i need the closure...without it, ill just be wasting my self...as ive been doing for a couple of years already, i just need to move on....well, this is really hard for me to do cos it will never be able to be retracted, though im sure i can blame my behavior on lack of sleep....its just unnatural...for your heart to want something/someone that you know you cannot have...but i cannot be blamed, i did not choose to be this way...if i could be normal i would be....id rather be dead than this way, but things arent that easy...nothing is ever easy for me......well, i feel that ive been clear enough already...and once again i must apologize for me unnatural behavior....i do realize that things will never be the same....i may not have anybody to speak to anymore....i may be shunned......but if i could be forgiven, id promise to never mention anything again...all this business would be finished....it would be gone....for its is finally out of my system and now i can finally begin my healing....and i would hope that this would stay behind the gates...and never be spoken of , and be forgotten....this is the type of message that needs to self destruct once read....after this, im gonna keep my distance....let things be as they were before the friendship was forged...when strangers were we....and happy we were this way.....cos i know that ive crossed the line.....and the friendship that really wasnt...now will not be....but i feel that i will be a better person for being myself....even if its just for the writing of this message....cos after ill probably end up with my best made mask.....and all will be as it was....except that you may be gone forever....and a piece of my heart will be too.....i am so ashamed of myself for being such a fucking deviant...a freak...unnatural...but the heart has its own mind....and it knows no rules....and so once again i ask for forgiveness, pity, and maybe friendship...cos thats all i ever really wanted..your friendship....im done groveling...and ill be waiting for the verdict....eternal silence or a no harm done message....the ball has been sent into motion...it is now in your court....and now this is all officially over...no more...may it be forgotten by all...and never spoken of again....thats all i ask...understand me...i am not brave...i need the mask.
sorry sorry sorry sorry i know that im gonna regret this later...but i have to be inpulsive...or else ill just rot away....its been swell conversing, sharing, breathing...but now it is all dead...there wasnt one moment where i thought that this would end well, i always knew that this is how it would be...but really i just thought that this would go with me to my grave, but now the weight has been lifted from me...if friendship is the price i have to pay...then so be it....if i could ever meet anybody half as wonderful as you...then id truely be a happy person....and that is all...i am such a fucking idiot for thinking this, and a fucking fuck up for even typing this....i am too emotionally spent to write any more....but there is nothing more to write...i hope i die in my sleep so that i wont have to deal with this....if i believed in prayer..id pray for my death...forgive me with a smile.
im sure that alot of this didnt make sense, but as i did say, i did lack sleep, so....it shows....
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:21:00 a. m.
sábado, abril 27
meep...i should be asleep already cos im gonna get up at like 11:30...and im gonna be mighty sleepy and mayhaps mighty cranky...and just plain evil....dunno....im weird like that....im becoming too obsessed with everything...first it was just lou reed and velvet underground...then nico....and now its the whole lot of them....everything andy warhol related....the factory, glam...i need a tranqualizer or sumfin....i need to go to sleep, yeah....maybe....k bye.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:38:00 a. m.
i hate html....blah
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:58:00 a. m.
well, tonight the moon was extra fantabulous...i actually left my room and went outside to look at it...i went into the back yard..whilst heading toward a bench behind the garage i had a brief encounter with our stray cat sheba...of course i had to stop and carry her...shes the only one i have that i can hold... :(...anyway, after carrying her for a short while i released her and headed to the bench, which i climbed upon...back there its mighty scary...really, there is a cotton gin at the end of my yard....so there is like woods and all sorts of scary stuff....anyway, i had to go there cos the rest of the yard obstucted my view due to the numerous tree limbs and such....so as i stood on the cement bench...well....i was at peace just staring at the greatest wonder...it just beats all....i just wish that i had somebody to share the wonder experience with....i wish i had somebody to go back there and stand with....somebody to console as we watch the beauty.....to enjoy the moment with....and then nothing else would matter.....the world could end for all i would care....cos everything would be perfect.....just perfect......im gonna go cry now...just on the inside...
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:38:00 a. m.
viernes, abril 26
um....me thinks me done for the day...um...me thinks me need much money to buy much music and much dvds....me needs job to pay for my music addiction....um...yeah.
"dont dirk me dick"...haha....isnt that commercial mighty funny...its the one about the uncle bens breakfast bowl thingys.."dirk, dick, dirk, dick, dirk..."....mighty funny....im high on life...cant you tell
Which Anne Rice Vampire are you?
by Tera
yep, that sounds like me...::cries::
"..if my heart could beat it would break my chest..."
ok...nite lovers.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:08:00 a. m.
um....dream report...ok well last night i dreamt that i was in school...first i was in this room...and there was a bunch of people that i went to college with.....i dont recall what we were doing, however..my next class was an art class....and we had to get in teams...i wanted to make a mask or something and the people that i got stuck with wanted to make a book bound with wire..dunno...anyway, the teacher had some pumpkins flavored tea..haha...so she asked who ever wanted could have some...so i got some...and it was like an orange colored slush...after that i dont recall....hey dont blame me if my dreams make no sense at all....im crazzzy.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:04:00 a. m.
um....its not as hot right now...um...got to see liz phair on jay leno..so thats nice.....cornnuts with pickle equals mighty good...um more stuffs later...yeah.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
12:36:00 a. m.
jueves, abril 25
"...You fondle my trigger, then you blame my gun..."
(fiona apple - limp)
that will do for now...nite.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:53:00 a. m.
hm...dont know what lyric to put next...dunno....meep
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:51:00 a. m.
if i lived alone, i know that id have to supplement myself on peanut butter.....thats about the only thing that i can prepare...pb sandwiches.....and pop corn....anyway..um...its hot
i think im addicted to water...really.
morrissey and nofx at the same festivel...how shibby is that..of course its in japan...so...meep
ive been neglecting my music lately...i havent been listening to any cds...just some random mp3s....its the weather...also, i havent been using the computer earlier cos it just heats up my room....once the weather get much hotter ill use my a/c...until then, i guess i can stand it...maybe
i need to go to germany to visit nicos grave
how do you tell somebody that you like them without scaring them?
the alien is jodie fosters father..haha....oh dont mind me, im crazy
i dont want to say it, but i really think that yan-zi suns version of silent all these years is better than toris....well not better, but equal....but of course i still love tori much....hello, ive got 20 plus tori singles...once again, im crazy
gah, i really want to stab msn right now...for several days already its been on crack or something...it keeps signing in and out and in and out and in and out....i want to stab it with a spoon.
is nick cave a male pj harvey, or is pj harvey a female nick cave....they totally make up a janus being...make sense? of course not, it came out of my mind.
gah, i hate getting caught up in novelas....gah i say
all those truth commercials are getting to me, i mean...who doesnt know that smoking is bad....who doesnt know that its poisonous and causes cancer...like thats gonna stop me if i want to smoke....i never got the hang of smoking anyway so...whatever...but knowing that its bad doesnt do a thing for me...or millions of peoples
churches and molestation....come on, they need the pope to say its bad....hello....so if he said that it wasnt a sin...then all the sheep would just accept that?...come on....if you need the church to think for you, then there is something seriously wrong...come on people....church is nice, but it shouldnt hurt you.....
and.....and.....and....im out of thoughts...i need to sleep on it and refill my thought machine.....and yes, i did have a dream...but its not really that interesting....me in a hospital visiting andy warhol...in the dream im also playing video games in the waiting room and my uber annoying uncle is there too....um....and the rooms lead to different locations...portals if you will...and thats all i remember, told you it wasnt interesting....even though there was no nico in the dream its still nico related seeing as she worked for andy...and no, i dont make these things up, id atleast make up some wonderful fairytale ending dreams..with me living happily ever after.....ok....til the morrow.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:42:00 a. m.
meep...i drank alot of water, now i feel mighty sick....its cos of this freakishly hot weather....its just not good...not good at all.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
12:54:00 a. m.
miércoles, abril 24
hmmmm....i guess im still collecting myself...well anyway, must sleep...sleep good...dreams nice...bananas chewy...zzzzzzz
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:49:00 a. m.
lately ive felt like i had a heavy cloud of emotions engulfing me...just ready to suck me in...its bad, i mean the television has made me cry for the past 3 days....first with that cancer movie on sunday, then 3rd watch monday, and judging amy tuesday....and crying is something that i dont need to be doing...its just mighty bad....and then there are the people around me, whenever i speak to somebody it seems that i have to generate enough enthusiasm for both of us...they give 50% whilst im left giving 150% and its really becoming a burdon but i guess its my fault, if a person isnt enthusiastic one day, why should that person be on another day? but no, ive got to be me and keep trying and trying and trying and trying...im just a stupid stupid boy...but i seriously feel that ive reached my boiling point...im just gonna move on...oh world.
anyway, heres a dream that i just remembered that i had the other day...im such a doof for barely recalling...anyway, im in a library or bookstore or something, and then i walk to this table with books that theyre selling, and i see a bag that has nico on it..and in the bag are many book sleeves for various nico books...so i ask the lady where the books are and shes all like..dunno..of course i want to slap her....so i go looking around...and then these 2 girls approach me...1 of the girls tells me that she likes me, and shes wielding a knife..forcing me to like her...and she tells me that shes 16 years old...so im all like...um..im too old for you..im 21...anyway, the lady that works there calls them off....so i go on looking around...i stop and look at a book shelf..and there amidst the cluttery...i see them, the nico books...so im all like yay...and i start getting them all....and then those 2 girls come up to me again...and again with the knife wielding..trying to make me love her.....and then i dont remember the rest.---- but i do think that there is a message in the dream...well first, the dream is telling me that im taking in too much nico...second, i think that the underaged girl signifys a taboo...that the love i seek is taboo....my love is unnatural...and third the forcing with the knife...i think thats the dream telling me that im way to in your face...i try to force myself on people..even though they dont feel the same way....why is it that the person you want doesnt want you back, and the person that want you...well, you dont want back....oh well.
more later....i need to collect myself.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
2:30:00 a. m.
martes, abril 23
oh!!!! bad religion on the late night rerun of conan...woohooo....good stuff...
mm...i guess thats all for today....maybe ill have somemore vivid dreams to write about....you never know....gnite invisible friends.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:57:00 a. m.
yay, some more web quizzzz
The Band Quiz
Take the What Kind of Slacker are you? Quiz
which children's storybook character are you?
yay!!!!
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:39:00 a. m.
theres nothing on the telly..hm...either shipmates or christian videos...hmmm..dunno. on a brighter note my migrane has subsided for the time being...wah!!
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
2:39:00 a. m.
ok my head hurts alllllot!!! im gonna be rolling on the floor from the throbbing pain...but no pills for me, i might take the whole bottle by mistake...ha...ow.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
2:09:00 a. m.
this was written earlier..at about 8:30 - 9:30 pm...
meep..still mighty hot today, what else is new....just here typing, watching 3rd watch and listening to cat powers...just taking in all the radiation...yummy.
2 new dreams..yay...ok well the first dream ...um well i was here in my room, but my room was much bigger and it had 2 beds..well, i look out my window and i see somebody that i know, well it was this guy that i had worked with, apperantly he was working somewhere and my dad went shopping, and the guy was helping deliver..anyway, somehow my mom asked the guy if he knew me and well he did, so she let him in and he came into my room...and what was i doing you ask? well i was playing games on the computer, watching tv and listening to the cd player..haha..yep and he was all like wow...and then i dont know why, but we started wrestling(well, i got those arms i wanted..um..yeah)..hahaha weird, no? and then i dont remember the rest. second dream..ok well this one is much crazy..er weird..um well dont really remember much of it, but i was constantly drinking coke..once i would finish a glass i would magically refill it...haha...strange, since i only drink juice and water...anyway, this is like the second dream i have that has me drinking much coke...huh...oh yeah, i remembered something, there was a hurricane or something er..maybe that was a third dream...anyway, enough dream talk...meep im still listening to the same cat powers song on repeat..its the song "rockets", its just a very cool song.
well, right now im not feeling too bad...not happy, but not bad...its the best i can do..you just have to try your best...even though you know that there really isnt anyone out there..you just do your best to forget..to just live..even if it isnt much of a life...the dreams will help me get by...and as we all know, dreaming is free...
where are you love? oh me?...im here waiting for you.
earlier today i was staring out the window..watching the cars pass, a guy going around the block over and over on his bike and watching the sky...and i realized something....i dont just like the night sky, i also like the day sky...its just great to look at the sky...well a sunless sky atleast...the dark blue color...the clouds, i can watch this endless beauty for a long time..it bring a feeling of calm over me...and it makes me smile inside...even if its just for a moment...i am at peace..and it makes me feel like mayhaps life isnt always that bad...most of the time that is.
"can you hear me now?...good", i just love that...haha....
um.....i was gonna write something, but i forgot...um....dunno.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
12:12:00 a. m.
lunes, abril 22
urg...its too late to do anything, mayhaps tomorrow, anyways...nightynight.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:11:00 a. m.
ok, i already simmered down some...im gonna go look for more stuffs to add...:)
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:22:00 a. m.
garrrr it doesnt let me get my url back!!!! i want to be wonky!!!! but i guess ill have to settle for wonkyboy...ROAR!!!! the only way to get wonky back is to delete this blog and start over...but im lazy and ill just settle.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:54:00 a. m.
ARGG!!!!! ok i finally found out what was causing the comment thingy not to work...after hours of looking through the code and everything, the thing that was making it go awry was the stupid apostrophy in the title of the page...so i had to change it from tomorrow's to tomorrows....how annoying, no?...arg...i thought that mayhaps it was the url so i had changed it from the first one, now i cant go back to it!!!!...::sigh::
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
2:57:00 a. m.
ug...today was just hot and its not even summer yet..arg...then its gonna be hot as hell....its hot right now and my hair is bugging me, but of course i dont get it cut...
um...i actually got a phone call today..from a real person!!!! how shibby is that! its HOT!!!!
dunno, i dont have much to say today...mayhaps ill put more later
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
1:33:00 a. m.
domingo, abril 21
yes im back....i found some more web quizzez and they needed a home
 | You are a very conservative and introverted person. You live in your own world and you're not very easy to approach.
Which Blogging Tool Are You? |
|
You are vivi
You are very shy, yet very powerful. You care about others a lot too. You are a real sweetheart. ^_^
|
take this quiz!
ok, now im done....really..blah
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:24:00 a. m.
me thinks thats all for now..gah...the spam is driving me crazzzzzy...it keeps coming and coming...mommy!!! its almost time for bed...mayhaps ill have some happy dreams. i had 2 dreams yesterday...1st one was about school and i got a 40 on a quiz and then me and some people started playing checkers or something and then alot of asian students joined our table..and then everybody paired up..of course i didnt get a partner...2nd dream involved the band blink 182...i cant stand them by the way...i dreamt about them cos theyre gonna be on next months cover of alternative press...of course i was flaming mad when i found out, anyway...back to the dream...well, lets just say it was a VERY interesting dream...lets just leave it at that. :p i wanna dream about some arms...some arms to hold me...the arms can be bodyless for all i care...i only have my pillow to hold...how sad :(..ok, enough of me making a fool out of myself...nightynight
Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:01:00 a. m.
oh im just adding more stuffs to this dreary site...the better to disguise the lack luster content..ha. ill prolly change the lyric every week or so.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:49:00 a. m.
ok well ive been trying to figure something out and i cant...gah..ok whatever
well today was mighty boring so i watched 2 of my dvds....first i watched the smashing pumpkins video collection..mighty good stuffs here...i think its a great dvd, plus you get the watch the pumpkins morph from hippies to freaks to uber freaks..and its sad too cos you know that theres no more...theyre defunct..this is it, but the videos are great...and 3 clips feature the charming ms auf der maur(2 vids and 1 live clip)...its all good. the second dvd was the nico:icon dvd...i said that i was gonna watch it yesterday, but it was already too late by the time i finished typing, so i just watched it after the pumpkins...im gonna have to say that this is my favorite dvd....heres my list of my top 5 favorite dvds...1. nico:icon 2. nico "an underground experience & heroine" 3. ziggy stardust the motion picture 4. morrissey "oye esteban" 5. dead can dance "toward the within"...the titles might not be right, but theyre pretty close...anyway
somebody added me to their buddy lists....GAH!!!!!!!!!!! ok, im done venting...but still, why...i know that they didnt get it from here, cos nobody reads....where are they getting my address from?..my head hurts.
todays meals were 2 veggie burgers and half a bag of tostitos scoops..i know, im not right...but thats ok...well its not, but itll do
and the pretty people shall inherit the earth....
i think i need some new clothing, most of it is from high school...and that was like ..many many years ago...its just that i hate everything...im just a bad shopper...except for music...im good at shopping for that...ha
im such a weirdo
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:11:00 a. m.
sábado, abril 20
support asexual cowz!
um just here being bored...listening to krupted peasant farmerz' "everything seems okay"...oh dont worry, nobody else has heard of them either...better for me to lord it over them...nice noncommercial punk band.
um...i did some more tinkering to the blog...added an email thingy...im an email whore...i want it...but i never get any..just a plethora of spam, and band list emails...no real emails...of course im gonna scream and stomp and fling stuffs if people start adding me to their buddy list..it just says to write to me, not "please add me to your buddy list"...dont be a strange stranger..email means email..anyway, yes i know im a quacky old kook, but thats just one of my many defects..live with it...i do.
ok...cd finished so now im listening to the velvet underground & nico: banana album..yay..whats greater than this..its got lou reed, nico, and of course VU....perfect combination...after i finish im gonna watch nico:icon dvd...of course its gonna make me cry, but still.
i really need to start going to sleep earlier..ive been going to sleep at like 6am for like the past year..or more...im such a bum..even when i had school i would go to sleep at like 4 and then wake up at 7...i just need to break the cycle..."im waiting for my man"..sorry, just singing along to the song...thats what happens when you dont sleep...woof...
im such a pig, you know...for supper i had like 3 little bags of scooby fruit snacks and a bowl of potato chips with dill relish...im just wreaking havok on my body, but who cares....of course ill be crying about it later when im all blah..anyway.
i really need to rearrange my cd collection, theyre all just stacked...i know that with one little slip theyll all come tumbling down and ill be all like NOOO and so forth...ill fix them tomorrow or later...dunno...meep
A Super~Duper Awesome Hard Harry Potter Quiz!
Your score is 40
20-40 PLEASE read the books again!
well, i guess i should read the book first...harhar
Where's your corner of the Twilight Zone?
Take the Twilight Zone test!
um...i think that id be one of those pig faced people instead.
Which Cartoon Cat Are You?
yep, sounds like me.
A Sugar Glider is the pet for me! These adorable little guys will climb to the top of your bookshelves and glide across the room. They love fresh fruit and cottage cheese. Keep the refrigerator stocked!
Which uncommon pet is for you?
Take the test!
i want one!!!!!!
mmmokay...that enough...its already late...the time passes by to fast...gah...ok laterz
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:45:00 a. m.
"...."you're not fucked up, you're beautiful" is what i dreamed he said,
while i played with myself in the hospital bed..."
(my favorite - le monster)
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:04:00 a. m.
viernes, abril 19
gah...enough messing with the html for the time being...no more testing for today..too tired...ok well...um..gnite...i guess.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
4:06:00 a. m.
i wish that i had some sort of talent...other than comlaining that is...im just mighty bad at everything...id like to be able to sing..i try, but i know that im mighty bad...im not one of those that sings good in their minds...i know it..im bad...people who can sing are the luckiest people...not me... im not even gonna attempt to dance....ill just save myself the trouble...badbadbad....drawing...id like to be able to draw...i do try..i try hard...but little kids with crayons draw better than me....i just plain suck at everything...except for complaining as already stated...well, im also good at stating the obvious..::sigh::
love...love is such a cruel thing..it takes no prisoners...im just not brave enough to love...ive like people...but i just wait til its too late...i just do my usual everyday act...and sometimes i drop subtle little hints...of course they never get through...or if they do..theyre just ignored or looked past...i wish i was brave enough to just say it...but im not brave...im weak...thus i do deserve to be alone...its easy to do it here...emoting is always easier in writing...but being vocal..well, thats another story....i just want to be able to say it..to say.."i like you much so"...but i know that all that awaits is rejection...i know that im gonna wait too long...its gonna be too late..and its not gonna be ok...ill be heartbroken...and and and...and i dont want to think about it..til it happens..soon.
gah...i hate that stupid msn messanger...right now i have 5 people..FIVE..that have added me to their lists...i dont even know them!!!..why must they do that...i havent placed my email anywhere with the words.."im any time"...i want people to email me first so that i know who it is...i dont want to be stalked by somebody that i have nothing in common with...arg it just never fails...
i should have been named janus...cos well i feel like i have 2 different sides...i can be mighty mean or i can be mighty nice...i think that im nicer more often than i am mean...im only mean like 1/5 of the time...but when i am...well, watch out...but im mighty mighty nice most of the time...well...just to certain people...im just plain mean to some people all the time...mainly family...i tend to be nicer to non family members .
"i like you much so"..XOX kiss me deadly
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:36:00 a. m.
jueves, abril 18
im such a loser...im here listening to the buffy musical....oh...ill never tell..anyway..i miss my old journal...i was already use to all of its mumbo jumbo...but i guess i just need time...but atleast with this one i can post at all hours of the night and morning...meep
birthdays...oh birthdays..most people enjoy them, but not me...its just a celebration of death...one more year goes bye...one year closer to death...i guess im just that way cos nobody even remember it...so ive just grown acustomed to brushing it off as just another day...but thats ok....im ok...well for the most part....well, its almost my birthday in a couple of months...but who cares...nobody does...i dont...its weird cos im already getting old...not really old, but im in a really bad place for the age that i am...im just wasting my glory days...and its really scary...im scared that im just gonna wake up one day and be 30..and still in the same place..and alone....i know that its some time away till that, but still...time passes bye really quickly...and its just frightning...i just dont know what to do...i already wasted most of my youth being an antisocial hermit...i just dont want to waste the few years that i have left...i dunno...its sad really..depressing...im gonna be the crazy old cat person.. ::sad meow::
on a brighter note...im still feeling a somewhat giddy afterglow...cos i think that i was able to bring a smile to my friend with my gift...well atleast i hope i was...and well it makes me feel useful..in a sense anyway...its such a grand feeling knowing that my gift is getting used...im actually smiling right now...but this feeling will fade soon...all will be forgotten...my use will finish...i will be pushed aside....stored in a nice little corner..for future use..maybe...or i will go into a nice little digital address book...or the nice little recycling center....erased from memory....i hate when i do this...the only thing im good at is making myself sad and teary..i hate myself...but thats already been established...see what a loon i am...i went from smiling to wanting to cry...just stick me in an institution and get it over with....thats enough mind game for now...my heart needs to rest.
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
5:11:00 a. m.
well, it was nice to see nick cave on jay leno....it was a nice departure from the regular pop drivel...of course not many people are familiar with mr caves work...so they prolly just changed the channel whilst he performed..sad really.
well i feel bad for our stray cats...theyre usually hungry...so when we feed them leftovers..well, its usually meatless stuffs...so i feel bad when i see the starving cat eating rice and beans...its..well i dunno...but i guess thats just life..::sigh::
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
12:58:00 a. m.
miércoles, abril 17
gah!!!! its late...but its ok....i was chatting with my one friend?...so its more important than sleep...but i really should be going to sleep any moment now....anyway, its been a wonderful couple of hours...full of smiles and chuckles...they should last me for the rest of the week...my smileless and chuckless week...oh well...ive gotta change the whole layout...its bugging me, thats what was driving me batty btw...i changed the layout about 5 times and the color scheme over and over....i just opted to keep this one for the time being...till i can figure all this gobbledeegok out...for now its fine...im such a weirdo...no? yesyes...im the dog..kick me..now i dont even know what im typed...sleep....ok thats all...hhhhhhh
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
6:20:00 a. m.
this thing is driving me batty
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
1:42:00 a. m.
i stole this from somebody...but eh..
Whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment? all the smart ones are dead
Do you prefer a sunny or rainy day? rainy days
Do you consider yourself lucky? hell no
Do you feel pity for people who commit suicide? well, i feel bad for them cos i know what it feels like.
Which word describes how you feel most often? outofwack
If there were 3 wells (love, beauty and creativity) and you could only drink from one, which would drink from? well, i think that im creative enough as it is....id choose love....beauty has its own charms, but beauty doesnt guarantee love...so love.
To whom do you run with problems? nobody wants to hear my problems
Which finger is your favorite? um...fingerhut?
What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten? dunno...meat?
Would you kill someone? mayhaps if i had too, but prolly not.
If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play the lead? i dont deserve a movie.
Do you like your handwriting? nope
Who are you jealous of? the shiny happy people
What kind of person do you want to marry? an openminded person...if i marry
What do you put on your sandwiches? peanut butter
If you were another person, would you be friends with you? nobody wants to be my friend...so i wouldnt be my friend either.
Are you a daredevil? no
How big was the biggest mango you ever ate? um....mango sized..i guess
Have you ever told a secret you swore you'd never repeat? no...i think that im one of the most trustworthy people alive.
Do looks matter? im not gonna lie and say no...looks are about 51% whilst personality is 49% in importance.
Do you pray? nope.
Are you trendy? no
What do you do to prevent anger? nothing
Who is your idol? i dont idolize anybody...but i do respect lou reed, david bowie, nico, diamanda galas, lydia lunch, etc....anybody who does their own thing, doesnt give a fuck, has a mind of their own.
Do you trust others easily? no...but maybe i will....maybe
+++ Physical Appearance +++
What do you most like about your body? nothing..no saving grace
And least? everything...im fucking gross
How many fillings do you have? dunno...4
Do you think you're good looking? hell no
Do other people often tell you that you're good looking? no.
Do you look like any celebrities? dont think so.
+++ Fashion +++
Do you wear a watch? yup..cheap plastic digital watch.
How many coats and jackets do you own? um...about 5 or so
Favorite pants/skirt colour? blue and black
Most expensive item of clothing? nothing...cloths is cloths
Most treasured? its just clothing
What kind of shoes do you wear? converse
Describe your style in one word? fuck style
+++ Religion +++
Do you detest religion? no....i think its quite nice...i just hate how some people abuse it.
How do you think this universe was formed (explain in detail)? who cares...we are born then we die.
If you were in a hostage situation, and you were given a choice, to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose? kill me now.
+++ Homosexuality +++
What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands? whatever...love is love...find it where you can....its better than being lonely.
Do you detest homosexuality? no.
Do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? having gay parents is better than having no parents.
+++ Have You Ever +++
Been in love? dunno...ive liked people
Kissed the same sex? no
Seen your favourite band live? no
Taken any kind of lessons? um...school?
Won any contests? in grade school
Cussed out your mom/dad? Out loud? no and no
Looked at the stars with a loved one? id like to but nobody loves me
Wanted to kill someone? not kill...just hurt a little
Have you killed someone? no
Hated someone? mmhmm
+++ Pick One, Neither, Or Both +++
Mom or dad: mom
Girl or boy: both
Gun or knife: neither
Deaf or blind: neither
Penis or vagina: what a crass question :p
Blood or boogers: neither
Eyes or toes: eyes
Boobs or butts: um...butt
Tongue or lip rings: lip
Nipple or nose rings: nose
Green or blue eyes: green
Punk or thug: punk
Broken jaw or nose: neither
Date same or opposite sex: both...whatever you like
+++ Just Stuff +++
Do you get along with your parents? um..my mom i guess
How was your childhood? i only liked it cos i was i child and i didnt know any better.
Are you an only child? no
Feelings on politics? blah
Like hippies? yeah
Like thugs? whatever...as long as they keep their music down
Like punk rockers? yeah...except for those wanna be "punks"
Like metal heads? yeah
Like ravers? yeah
Like posers? erg
Like goths? yeah
Like racist people? hell no
Like Nazis? hell no
Like preps? yeah, except for those better than you types
Are you a virgin? will you like me better if i am?
How's the weather? crappy
Do you like living? hell.....no
What do you want to be? happy and loved
How was your day? crappy
What are you wearing? clothing
Doing anything later? sleeping
Tomorrow? wake up then sleep
Ever try to commit suicide? ive thought of it but im not brave enough
+++ First Thing That Comes To Mind +++
Fish: sticks
Fat: me
Roast Beef: cow
Asshole: most people
Poser: most kids
Slut: most people
Funk: you
Drums: marching band
Blood: faint
13: friday
Dead: my insides
President Bush: whatever
America: is it home of the free or what?
Cactus: slimy
Peach: cobbler
+++ On The Love Side +++
Do you like someone now? ummm..mayhaps..dunno
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no...::cries::
Have you ever cheated on someone? no
Have you ever been cheated on? no
Do you believe in true love? yes
Do you believe there's true love for everyone in this world? not for me atleast
What is your idea of a perfect date? moon lit beach stroll
If you could marry anyone in the world, who would it be? somebody who love me
Are you gay/bi/lesbian/straight? ...dunno..what do you want me to be...will you love me?
Do you have a new crush every week? no
+++ On The Favourite Side +++
Person you know: you know who you are.
Band: the velvet underground
Time of day: night
Fruit: tomato watermelon banana
Veggie: broccoli lettuce cucumber
Dessert: candy candy candy
Meat: nooooooo
Person to talk to online: theres only one person that i speak to every once in a blue moon
Computer game: final fantasy...baby
Superhero: um..bionic bunny!!!..and tmnt, thundercats, sailor moon
Rapper: erg..um jimmy pop i guess
Pop diva: erg....um shakira i guess
Font: um...dunno...critter?
Soccer team: dont really follow football
State: alaska
Jewel: beads i guess
Flower: roses i guess
Car: if it runs...has a/c and cd player..its fine.
+++ On The Beliefs Side +++
Aliens: scary!!!
Ghosts: not really
Cows from outerspace: doesnt everybody
Love: yes
Hate: well, its bad, but its there
Luck: no
+++ What Do You Think Of +++
Surveys: they take me to a happy place
Chain letters: kill them
Men: drink smoke drive fast tell dirty jokes and youll be a man
Women: watch out for those feminazis
Dating younger people: not too young
Older people: not too old
Teen driving: scary
Teen drinking: its gonna happen
Teen smoking: its gonna happen
Using illegal drugs: able minded people know what theyre doing
Teens having sex: its gonna happen
Dating: whatever
Bugs: shriek!!!
Sharks: theyre just there
Chinese food: i wouldnt marry it, but its ok
White rappers: erg
Dating people different than your own race: love is love
School shootings: the seeds have been planted
Bill Clinton: whatever
+++ Final Questions +++
If you were stranded on an island and were allowed 5 things, what would they be? tv computer fridge cdplayer magicalelectrical source
5 people, who would they be? dunno..anyways, they wouldnt want to be there with me.
Have you ever been told you talk too much? um...well
What's the worst name you've ever been called? dont really care
What's the funniest song? stiff upper lip
Would you live in Sibera for 2 years to save the world? mayhaps
Have you ever been in the hospital? when i was born.
Have you ever been abducted by aliens? mayhaps
Is Elvis really dead? duh
Do you have AOL? just aim
What's the best memory of your childhood? dunno...too many good tv shows when i was growing up.
Are you addicted to anything? sugar...
Would you rather type or write? depends on the situation
Do you know any foreign languages? espanol
What did you learn today? that life sucks
Have you ever gone a whole 24 hours without sleep? yup
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
1:05:00 a. m.
martes, abril 16
i started something i couldnt finish
well, all things begin and end....the duration is based solely on the creators devotion...hopefully my mindset will remain grounded and my output will find its way..and a place to grow...or whatever... :) ill try my best to be true to me...try
posted by Cosmic Dancer |
3:58:00 a. m.
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