ok...it finally happened...yep, ive gotten a job!!!! is it woo..or grah..this stands to be seen...so from now on, ill prolly have alot of horror stories to share...oh yeah, im gonna work in a library...scary, no?...so todays my first day..i have to get up at 645 to get ready...i should be asleep..woo....so i got a hair cut..no more complaining about mah wonky hair..no more shedding...its kinda short, but its enough to scare people with anyway...oh yeah, im gonna have to wear nice clothing..grah...its strange, im not nervous right now...mayhaps ill meet some people...seeing as how im gonna be inundated by the public..i hope that i dont have to deal with some idiot..but i prolly will..everyother person is an idiot....i hope i do good...anyway, ive already been wished luck by a shibby person that i know..so i know that it will go well....please.

ok, must sleep early...real job...city employee....scary....ok....good nite and thank you.

go buffybot go!!!!

so yesterday i couldnt post cos blog was down!!!!! but anyway....so i had to go to sleep early cos i had to go to the printshop early..grah...and guess what? i have to do the same thing today..double grah....so i should be asleep right now cos i have to get up at 730..moo....

mighty scary tornadic activity today..stupid surge protector kept beeping...plus scary thunder...and the looming threat of being struck by a falling palm tree....woo

i added so more stupid stuffs to my blog..as seen to the right...woo

ok well i got the david bowie singles collection and now i cant stop listening to the song "under pressure" which he did with queen...if you dont know it, its the vanilla ice song...er..the song that vanilla ice used for his ice ice baby song...anyway, i just love it!!!..the bowie song, not the vanilla ice song...er...yes...

steve burns steve burns steve burns...dont know him? hes the ex-blues clues guy...i love the show btw, so anyway, hes quit to spend more time on his musical career...and hes might good at music i might add...if you go to his site you can download sound snips...yes, the music is really really good....so im here eagerly awaiting for his album to be released...if you love steve, lobsters, squirrels, or dustmites then i suggest you go to his site now!!!! its very shibby..go go go.

um....i think thats all for now....nighty night....bye.

current obsession...belle and sebastian...woo

"Sometimes I feel so happy
Sometimes I feel so sad
Sometimes I feel so happy
But mostly you just make me mad
Baby, you just make me mad

Linger on, your pale blue eyes
Linger on, your pale blue eyes " (lou reed - pale blue eyes)

thats how i feel...except, insert appropriate eye color in said lyrics

my hair is bugging me...but i have to wait and see what developes, i dont want a normal hair cut if i dont have to have one.....come on, let me be me...

mayhaps ill have nice dreams...i saw the picture of an angel faced angel...so maybe my angel will give me nice dreams...dreams about my beautiful angel...

ok good nite..er good morning..whatever.....may we all find our angel in life.

(gah, my writing is getting too sweet, no?...gah...i need pain..well, more pain)

um....i was gonna put alot of stupid stuffs...well my words...which are stupid...so anyway...ill just say happy memorial day...ill leave it at that.

good nite and thank you.

grah...ok well when i was about to go to bed in the morning..i turned on the telly and they were showing dragon ball z en espanol...so of course i had to watch it...so i didnt go to bed til 630..tv is evil...meep

just changing the current lyric..now me go sleepy time.

oh yeah, heres a lil test that i found....it made me smile mighty much....wooooo

Take The Ewan McGregor Test!

therapy or vanity

currently im in depresso mode...no, not as in coffee drink, as in mighty sad like.....actually im stuck in like sad to mega sad mode...i cant decide..well my mind cant decide....i was just here in the quiet, and all of a sudden my mind decided that i should listen to sad music, so of course the reached for a couple of morrissey cds....so im currently listening to "viva hate" cd...my favorite song on it is "late night,maudlin street"...though, i dont think that many people like it seeing as its about 7+ min long...so im listening to it on repeat....here are my favorite lines....

"Love at first sight
It may sound trite
But it's true, you know
I could list the detail
Of everything you ever wore or said
Or how you stood the day...."
[[i know that this is something that i do...]]

"Where the world's ugliest boy
Became what you see
Here I am - the ugliest man"
[[this lines is definetly about me]]

"When I sleep
With that picture of you framed beside my bed
Oh, it's childish and it's silly
But I think it's you in my room, by the bed
(...yes, I told you it was silly...)"
[[im not this crazy yet, but its sweet really]]

"But you ... without clothes
Oh, I could not keep a straight face
Me - without clothes ?
Well, a nation turns its back and gags..."
[[this is definetly about me...gag at my body...but you, you have a nice body]]

its such a depressing song....i remember a time back when i used to turn everything off...no lights...just listen to cds...and this song, i would put it on and just stare at the moon outside my window....and just cry til i couldnt any more...i havent done that in a while....but right now im feeling bloody like doing that.....anyway, i hate it here...everything...everything sucks...my father, my neighbors, my life, my lack of job, my lifestyle...i need to live close by to a veggie food store cos im just not getting anything out of eating the exact same thing every fucking day...im down to the same three meals..occasionally therell be the fourth...but its only those 4 things...over and over and over and over...you know what was my supper today? like half a bag of king vitaman cereal..dry of course...i just dont know what im doing with myself....and then theres my hair...i dont know what im gonna do about it...my rug is always littered with bunches of my hair...and i dont know how it gets there...i dont know if i should be worried....and next week ive got to wait to see if i get this job...i wasnt gonna say anything cos then i was gonna have to report that i didnt get the job AGAIN....but it would be wonderful if i could get it...its only temporary for 3 months...but still....it would mean stability for 3 months...but i know that i will not get it...and then im gonna be all depressed when i dont get it...thats why i didnt want to say anything...i still have to renew my license before my birthday...i havent decided if i want a new picture of me at 22, or just keep the one of me ar 18 just so i wont have to go get another one taken...cos i hate the camera and all....and my father...oh father....as i said yesterday, he just....ah!!!!..ok well hes a drunk....and theres no dealing with a drunk....the only time when hes tolerable is when he doesnt drink and thats cos when he doesnt drink..he doesnt talk....anyway, he always thinks of other people before his family...only we see the real him...everybody else thinks hes this angel....arg....and then my neighbors...they always have their loud tejano music at all hours....and my dad gave them permission to walk through our yard whenever they want....he even took down the fence in the back...y estas personas llegan y luego nunca se largan....hacen rancho...toda la familia y sus perros...ah!!!!...i need to move away from here...i need to move to the city, and work at a diner, and change my name to anne....haha....sorry, ive had a very buffy day....i watched 4 eppys....but it gets me by...also, was happy to see the strokes on snl rerun...i need to move somewhere where i can meet people, and maybe find a love...as unlikely as that is, i do need somebody to love...i can deny it, but why do that....i just need somebody that i can say hello to everyday, have long conversations with....even if its just discussing what we watched on the telly....somebody who will sing to me when im sad...and hold me when im sad...and listen to my weird music with me....and pretend to like it....and watch buffy and arthur with me....somebody who will let me use them as a pillow, let me rest myself on them....who will let me feel..and be myself...and let me know that im perfect just the way i am, even if im a mad cow.::sigh:: but i know that wishing for something like that is stupid, but thats just me, i guess im just hopeless....i need to move, im not gonna meet anybody like that "here"...its already 5am...what am i doing, day to day...just rotting away, sleeping when the sun comes up....killing my health...its really weird sometimes, you know...i witness my parent go to be, then i hear them get up in the morning...its like...im just....and then dont even know...."now my heart is full"...thats the current cd song......my current fav 2 buffy characters are tara and anya....i like how i change the subject really fast, and just blurt things out of the blue...im crazy like that...but i guess im the only one that appreciates that trait...ive only got 2 centrum left....sometimes i think that id like to chat online with somebody, but then i realize that im a very difficult person to chat with, and i usually have nothing to say...and im usually bored with everybody, and typically hate meeting new people....and only want to speak to people with similar interests...and its just all too much trouble, and then i might have to hide from the people, i just think that i dont need to have 40 or whatever people on my buddy list...and sometimes i just dont know what i want...i want out....i want to change my hair color.....i want to hear familiar voices....i want what i cannot have....i want for the fucking diploma spam to quit coming....i want to know what i did to deserve exile..i wasnt fresh or anything...i was just open hearted....well, my life has become clock work, sleep late, wake up, eat, watch tv, bathe, sleep, etc....and today?...well sleep, wake up later, read the sunday paper, go through the want ads...feel all bad when i dont find anything, check to see if there is life on the internet, blah......current song "the more you ignore me, the closer i get"...good song....ignore away....youre wasting your time....you can always tell my mood by looking at the current log entry...if it has certain language or is really long, you can tell im upset or heavy minded...is this stupid? is it stupid to have a web journal for people to read? is it vanity? or is it just therapy....what was i thinking...im done....for now...

good nite...ill be here waiting for you...wherever in the world you are...waiting to be swept away.........

today(fri) i did some time at the print shop, some more stupid graduation thingys...but the good thing is that i got 100 bucks...no, not just for one day, it was money that i was already owed..thats the main reason that i dont like it there, not a real job.grah.

there was a lovely full moon tonight..woo

my father always seems to do something that just makes life that much harder...and annoying...uhhhh.

i just love sarah brightman...woo...i dont know whos voice i love more...sarahs or lisa gerrards...they each have their own charms, cant really compare them...well, theyre both operatic, but sarahs is more sweet, and lisas is more worldly...cant decide...both make me smile...woo

did anybody watch the expose of the grocery stores the other day? they showed how they just changed the expiration date on all unsold meat...adding days at a time...and the ugly meat just got ground into something else...and it was in most stores...its times like that that im glad that i dont eat meat...plus, think of the poor cowys and piggys and chickenys....and catys..well jus in some coutrys....

i know that im gonna have a nightmare about briteny spears....make her go away!!!!!

nite and til next time....ill be waiting...

hmmm.....it looks like amber benson might be back next season on buffy...heres an exerpt of an interview with writer Jane Espenson...the interview is from the succubus club

j=jane c=candy k=kitty

J: No, I'm distressed to hear that people are saying they won't keep watching because what does that say... I mean Tara wasn't our only gay character. Willow is still going to be around being a really good role model, dealing... dealing with grief and moving on. I'm sure eventually she will date and we didn't kill lesbianosity, we killed one, one lonely girl who we feel... who we miss too. Who happened to be gay and we miss her terribly. And uh, there is... no reason to not think, that we won't being seeing a little or more of Tara or something that looks like Tara...

K: See I knew it.

C: She is picking and choosing her words sooo carefully. You should see her.

K: It's just like Twin Peaks when you know, what's her face dies and then she comes back as her cousin, with the dark hair.

J: Yeah um, um if people, I don't know if people are... exactly why people are saying their going to tune out, but if they are tuning out because they miss Amber Benson... do hmm, hmm (various sounds of mumbling)

C: Well said.

to read full interview --> click click click

on a depressing note...its been reported that britney spears will appear as a vampire next season...now im ready to throw up....read more --> dont click if youve a weak stomach

ill write more later after i get over my nausea....blah

i was listening to blur...then i sorta lost interest in music....but now im in trainspotting mode, listening to both soundtracks.

oh ewan mcgregor is on jay leno early morning edition...i dont think that im gonna get to see him and the polar bears cos stupid pbs station never came back on air....arg!!! hm...hes got eye liner...hes talking about being naked...and how much he enjoys it...and having sex with a 65 year old japanese man in a movie...and how nice it was...isnt he the charmer...but im gonna have to hold the starwars movies against him...he really didnt have to do that...and now he wants to be james bond...dont do it!!!...oh, his uncle is wedge.

i dunno, whats up with me and dreams..i think my brain is out of wack...well, not think, know.....a school outing...somebody who i havent talked to in a while decided that he wanted to talk to me again...an i was all happy...but then i had to be competing for his attention...a whole group of students was like taking a field trip or something...walking in the dark, through the cityand this girl i know was holding my hand as we walked...the teacher was one of my old bosses...we went to a eat at i guess mcdonalds or something...i was eating a fish burger, then i realized that i was eating fish!!!, then there was like a halftime show outside..the band was marching...then there was loud thunder...then i was outsid my house, and then i dont recall...woo

every night i sit in the chair in the other room and look out the window for a few minutes...just letting my mind be free of negative thoughts...its my quiet time...my nice time...

later today ive got to make a phone call to see if something happens...i wont go too much into it here cos i know that things will go badly anyways, so i dont want to have high hopes smashed.

sometimes i see myself in the mirror and think that i look fine for the moment, then i snap out of it and realize that i look like a cow.

dp....EYE!!!!!!!....haha

what happened to christina ricci, i thought that she looked fine and yummy how she was, but now shes said to be a size zero....yikes.

and thats it, im out of words....strange...anyway, bye.

ooh youve got dark brown eyes, ooh youve got green eyes, ooh youve got dark brown eyes....har har

is david blaine funny? well he must be, everybody always laughs around him...anyway, the best part of the show? the few seconds that they showed the mega wonderful fiona apple...woo....i guess she wanted to see if her ex was ok...very interesting...

the local paper put morrisseys name in the birthday section...how great is that...i wonder how he got placed...hes not popular enough....i guess it was a fan...and even if its the same thing that they put in all the papers in the us...hes still not famous enough...but anyways i say woo.

around 10 i went outside to see the moon...my stray cat came out of the wood work and we watched it together....the moon is just so beautiful...it makes me want to cry....because its another beautiful thing that i just cannot have...the moon and love...they are just unreachable..

today i was just so tired that i took a nap from 530 til 830...then i was all out of it....had some yummy toaster ovened fries...was in working order at about 10....

ive been wondering, is my hair falling out cos of all the bleaching...or is it something medical....could be what im eating...or not..maybe i lack some vitamins or something or other...seriously, mayhaps ive got some deadly disease...woo

i had a dream about alot of cats and dogs...they were in the yard, we were trying to keep all the cats in and all the dogs out...but the fence wasnt long enough...alot of gaps...these 2 cats escaped the catcher and ran to our house and one came inside.....then i dreamt about wizards....its cos of all the harry potter visuals everywhere...i still havent read the books or seen the movie, but its still in my mind from all the buy it now bombardments...and also a dream about the end of the world, that one was caused by the buffy finale...there was this small planet that was gonna crash into earth....on the planet was that satanic temple from buffy...boy, my mind sure was busy(i almost typed buffy...i need sleep) btw, emma was especially alluring in the buffy eppys...with her "blonder hair"...

lately i go through the whole gamut of emotions everyday...first im eh, then happy, then sad and then just fine....oh well

i saw a copy of the milli vanilli cd at kmart the other day....that made me smile

ok, thats all...speak later..yes? ok moo....

and now, the incoherent edition of mah blog

its difficult for me to turn the page...the book was quickly slammed shut....my hands were caught....it still hurts and the page number was lost....all this was done without warning...i guess its my fault, i was just too fond of the book....and i still dont know, did the book already belong to somebody else, was it in reserve, or was i just not the type of person that you wanted to read the book...but that book is so interesting and addictive, if given the chance to find my place, id like to read the book again, be able to turn the page...but only after the summary has been given...and closure reached...........ok, if that made no sense..well something or other...anyway, this is corelated with the current lyric...so maybe it means something, maybe not....but maybe youll understand...

some people look fabulous no matter how they wear themselves, they can do anything to their faces, add or subtract stuff..and still be works of art......me, well id need to add a mask to look better, but anyway, you look good...and you knows it..quit showing off :P

speak to you later...maybe? before we die atleast, yes?....ok.....good bye from your friendly neighborhood wonkyboy.

whered the cheese go?......wheres the cheese at?

if you know what thats from, then i wont feel so loserish...just wackish....um yes...

happy 43rd birthday steven patrick morrissey!!!!!!!!!

"I refuse to recognise the terms Hetero-, Bi-, and Homosexual. Everybody has exactly the same sexual needs. People are just sexual, the prefix is immaterial." - morrissey

well the buffy finale was ok...but i was diappointed...nobody died...and other stuffs...and stupid xander..urg..it had to be him..

isnt damon albarn very..ohhh...yes he is...anyway, today i got the best of blur...so ive been listening to that..ohh. i was surprised to find the 2cd at kmart cos..well its already gonna close down...so everything is in chaos...so anyway, it was only 14 so i had to get it...woo...but i was kind of upset cos the cds that i was looking for werent there...i couldnt find me any fabulosos cadillacs, la ley, julieta venegas, cafe tacuba, etc...i was already in my rock en espanol mode....i feel that i should have some of those..i mean, they are my culture...i have indian and pakistani and european....and they arent even part of me....so anyway, they didnt have any of them...blah....maybe next time...so as i was saying...ohh damon...ha

tonight is gonna be the david blaine special...should be interesting...mighty interesting

im just here stewing in my misery...whats new.

You're Brad Pitt. You're not really a vampire, but you play one in a movie.

Find your inner vampire.

of course pbs didnt come back...i wasnt able to see the polar bears....but i think that its gonna be rerun saturday at 2am...so ill have to wait yet another week to watch it...roar

um...i guess thats all...i dont want to force myself to write....not now...bye

um....im sleepy and stuff...so i guess thats all folks....i need sleep...meep

til morrow....may we all have sweet dreams..and not scary ones with aliens....ok...bye.

today i had to do a stupid layout for stupid graduation cards at the print shop..i hadnt been there in like 5 months...but the good thing was that i earned meself 40 bucks...so yay i guess but i did miss "betty la fea"..so um

saturday night live with winona was mighty entertaining...she was great as bjork...i loved the fact that moby was wearing an "i heart eminem" tshirt in response to the derogitory remarks that eminem has said about him...also good was when winona was all like..stealing is wrong...all in all mighty good...woo

i am gonna have a major full sized cow if pbs doesnt come back on air in time for me to watch ewan mcgregor with the polar bears tonight....i may have to stab somebody...roar

i hate the fact that i mighty enjoy the current song by lifehouse "breathing"...i guess its cos ive seen the video too many times...its not my fault that its always on....oh well

btw i already freed the little buggy that i had captured...he is now running in the wild...yay

ive got mixed emotions about the current weather...its ok cos its not too hot..but with the wetishness comes the lil gnats and other such critters...i guess you cant have it all.

sometimes i have the weirdest thoughts...dont i.....oh well.

whats greater than online quizzyz and buffy....why buffy quizzyz of course...you silly goose

i was all ready for the black out...but no luck....i had my portable strand of christmas lights ready...its battery operated..and much better than a candle or flash lite....oh well

hope you got home safely..really...

ok, thats all for today...buenas noches y adios...hasta manana...

ok well i dunno why, but ive been listening to "oh baby" by siouxie and the banshees over and over and over...yes, im a psycho..woo

gah!! ok well there was one of those clicker light bug flying around and well...bugging me...and of course im all against killing it..dont kill the buggy...well i managed to trap it in a box...ill be letting him out into the wild later....to go and bug somebody else..

the scary thunder storm has left....i dont like thunder and lightning...but i guess it was alright since it rained in our much droughted area...so boo and yay....

my father is so odd...he just doesnt know how to shop....whenever he buys a snack he always manages to buy the diet or sugar free variety....oh well...what am i gonna do with him

oh oh oh...it is rumored that morrissey is gonna be in el paso on aug 6...of course im not gonna go, but its nice to know that he is gonna be in the same state....and its almost his birthday in a few days...so...wah!!!!!

oh yeah, my dream...ok well i guess that its a dream that i always have...im driving around, and i cant seem to use the breaks...well i can, but the car doesnt stop..it just slows down...so i use the breaks and the car keeps slowly moving....so im never able to stop at the lights...i cant decide if its funny or scary....or both...

the strokes were on conan...so that was nice....i think that i could join them...ive got the wonky hair...i love julians voice...its very lou reed...good stuff.

more later.

well its official, dark angel has been cancelled...thats mighty sad...what will become of our lovely ms alba....but as i said the other day....its just money to them...they dont care about us.

i like that new whale character in conan...hes shibby...best thing to happen in a while....but thats just me.

i just saw a clip of tobey maguire eating some fries and now i want some fries....give them here!!! or some tots.

oh they mentioned buffy on "will and grace"...so that made me smile a bit....i was all like yay...

um....i think thats all for today....im tired....well i guess thats all....buenas noches...

ill wait for you.

and here is another one...hahaha...

Sleeping:

1. Which side do you sleep on most comfortably? middle
2. Are you a morning person? if i get enough sleep that is.
3. Do you talk in your sleep? dunno
4. Do you snore? dunno
5. Druel in your sleep. only when i dream about you
6. Wake up sucking your thumb? no
7. Sleep with stuffed animals. no
8. Curl up in a fetal position? no
9. Toss and turn alot? yup
10. Things you think about before you go to sleep? i think way too much..about everything.

Eating:

1. Do you always use a fork and knife? no
2. Messy eater? i eat like a pig
3. Favorite food? junk, rice, veggie burgers
4. Do you chew with your mouth closed? yup
5. Annoying habits like crunching on ice? wah...ice.
6. Do you brush after eating? just morning and night
7. Do you put your elbows on the table? duh
8. Least favorite food? entrails
9. Lactose intolerant are you? i dont drink or eat dairy
10. Do you really eat at the dinner table? no

Well that takes care of the essentials...On to other things..

The Most important things:

1. Astrological Sign: cancer
2. Do you really believe in astrology? no
3. Sign you are most attracted to? not important
4. Mothers astrological sign? gemini
5. Fathers Astrological sign? dunno
6. Right handed or left handed? right
7. First thing you notice about someone you are attracted to? face
8. Could you love someone with no arms and legs? id prolly have to know them before it happened...if it was an accident that is.
9. Pets name? sheba
10. Would you try to keep a wild animal as a pet if your could afford one? a lemur!!!!
11. Thing you like most about yourself? my open mindedness
12. Are you addicted to live journal? no...those idiots never let me in.

The not so important things:
1. Did you laugh today? i guess
2. Did you cry today? not today
3. Did you smile today? i guess
4. Did you hug someone today. no
5. Did you want to hug someone today? ::cries::
6. Were you sad today? earlier...but now im somewhat fine
7. Pms? um.....no
8. Taking medication? centrum
9. Did you feel itchy today? no
10. Feel stupid? everyday
11. And contagious? everyday
12. Here we are now, entertain us? i never really liked nirvana, but i like the tori version better.
13. Have you ever had to look at an inkblot? no
14. Boxers of briefs? depends on who.
15. How many days until your birthday? no comment...but its soon
16. What do you want? to hear from a certain somebody...and the moon
17. How many candles will be on your cake? i dont eat cake
18. What time is it? 4 am

its that time of the year..yep, another survey....wah!!

Nickname(S): i dont have any..um...weirdo i guess
Place Born: hell hole texas
Where do you live now: hell hole texas..still here
If you could live anywhere where would it be: spain..or i dunno...anywhere else.
Farthest place you've traveled to: Austin...oh woo
Parents: mom and father
Siblings: corn sister
What are you (only child, youngest, oldest, middle): youngest
Favorite family memeber: mah stray cat
Who is more important friends or family: ill get back to you on that
What is your zodiac sign: cancer baby...and cancer is one of my greatest fears.
Are you a lefty or a righty: id like to be ambidexterous, but im righty
If you could dye your hair any color: if i could?..i do...its normal now, but i like grey or white hair
What do you do in your spare time: tvtvtv, cdcdcd, internetinternetinternet
What's your favortie board game: none really, but hungry hungry hippo amuses me much.
Favorite number: 1..cos its lonely like me.
Favorite sport to watch: x-games
Least favorite sport to watch: bowling
What sports did you play growing up: me?...play sports...whatever.
Favorite smells: yummy candies
Favorite Sounds: music
Worst Feeling in the world: feeling alone..useless...worthless..and such
Favorite time of day: late!. im an owl..baby.
What is your Favorite Season: fall...not too hot...not too cold.
Favorite Thing(s) to do on weekends: um...dunno...sleep, tv, music, tv, sleep..etc.
Do you have a pager or a cell phone: mah cell is gonna die!!!!
What Books are you currently reading: none :( but i wanna start reading something.
Favorite Magazine: Alternative Press...but it is going down hill with its new found mainstreamness
Favorite Newspaper: ill read whatever newspaper is around...its all good.
What's your favorie tv show(s): buffy, arthur, fear factor, street smarts, blind date, blues clues, world news.
Favorite Actor(ress): milla jovovich, christina ricci, ewan mcgregor, jude law, jordan chan
If you could meet one person, dead or alive, who would it be: nico!!!!!!!...ahead of her time..and ours.
Favorite movies: nico:icon, dancer in the dark, trainspotting, amadeus..etc
Favorite Disney movie: i hate disney..they own you....but i guess aladdin is ok..except for the genie...and you know why.
School: who cares.
Future school: um...im done for now.
What is the best part of school: um...the increasing of ones knowledge i guess
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be: dunno, something in music
Favorite flower: roses i guess
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: ::cries::
Best friends: ::cries::
Favorite candy: oh oh oh...um...candy corn, starburst jelly beans, blow pops
Do you drink alcohol: its been a while
Favorite alcoholic drink: dunno..
Things you collect: cds, cards, shinny things
Personal phone line: no...just the cell
TV, VCR, Stereo, Phone, Computer, etc. in your bedroom: you know it.
What's most important in someone's personality: the ability to make you smile with your heart.
Can a guy and a girl just be friends: yup
Favorite body part on the opposite sex: um..dunno..legs i guess.
Do you mind paying for a date: no
Tattoos or piercings: no and no
Ever been in love: ::cries::
Was he/she the one: ?
What do you sleep in: i sleep in a bed
What's under your bed: monsters
What are your favorite pajamas: um..dunno.
What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning: NO IM STILL ALIVE...NO!!!!
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: no...pillows
Roller coaster--scary or exciting: scary
How many rings before you answer the phone: i dont answer home phone...cell whenever i know who it is.
What musical intruments do you play: played coronet, baritone..blah
Do you own a Furby: hell no, im not a sheep.
What was your first car: 1998 mustang...blah
Words and phrases you use over and over: um...gah, blah, meep, shibby, dunno, wah, ::cries::, and such, mighty, uber..etc.
Dream vehicle: dunno, whatever...but not a mustang.
Do you like to drive fast: nope, like an old lady.
Favorite thing to do outside in the spring: outside?
What shoe size do you wear: 9.5
Where do you shop: kmart, anywhere cheap.
Favorite thing to wear: clothing
Is the glass half empty or half full: its empty, i got thirsty
Favorite foods: candy, peanut butter, cornnuts, rice
Chocolate or vanilla: um..choc
What is your favorite salad dressing: none for me...thanks
Coke or Pepsi: strawberry juice!!!!
Rootbeer or Dr. Pepper: juice
Pizza or Hamburgers: veggie burger
What toppings do you like on your pizza: dont eat pizza
Blondes or brunettes: brunettes
Radio or TV: tv...radio sucks
Favorite subject in school: art
Teachers you hate: not in school
Favorite Color: dark shades..blues, greys, browns.
Favorite kind of music: everything
Favorite Song(s): too many to list...but current shibby songs are "velvet goldmine" by david bowie, and "persephone" by dead can dance
Favorite Album: too many...bona drag by morrissey, passage in time by dead can dance, banana album velvet underground..etc.
Do you speak any foreign languages: espanol
Favorite vacation spot: i dont go on vacations...but id think that anywhere far away.
Do you have any pets: mah stray cat
If you could change anything about you, what would it be: everything.
If you could undo one mistake, what would it be: being born
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: mmhmm
What's on your mouse pad: dont have one...i use a dictionary
Do you smoke: nope
Do you want to be burned or buried when you die: when i die.
Do you believe in aliens: duh.
Are You a dork: 110%

im way too un-unhappy arent i...strange....but im sure it will pass soon....its unnatural really...meep

yay...i got a new useless pet blob...yay...its main function will be to annoy anybody who happens to wonder into my blog....so once again i say yay!!!!.

can you hear me now?......good.

i am still the same me

isnt it strange how we all have these musical moods...and boy do i have them...im always shifting from left to right...one day this and the next day that....as you might know...my dominant mood is the whole glam david bowie, vu, lou reed, and the magnificant nico..but lately im all like..meh...but thats only cos my current mood is dead can dance, lisa gerrard, cocteau twins, sigur ros, incoherant singing if you will....i dunno, that what is lifting my spirits these day...but it will all shift again soon...ive had so many moods that its crazy...really....i had my tori mood...thats why i have like 25 tori singles...i had my pj mood...that why i have like 8 of her cds...i had my babes in toyland mood...got that rare australian cd.....had my morrissey/smiths mood...have all the disks....had my goth mood...have many different selections...had my punk mood....just look at my collection...had my world music mood...ive got my indian, pakistani, japanese, etc selections....but i guess im wrong in just calling them moods....i know that they all mean something to me...im not gonna let them be forgotten...they are all dear to me...i still listen to everything....it was just an illustration of how wavering my attention is...wah...

id like to worry with you...if youd let me...but alas....ive become the leperous outcast that will not be given a second thought....was i wrong?....was the truth wrong?....did i really deserve to be cast aside?....i guess that is my fate and i will adhere by it if that is the only way....i had hoped that communications would not be severed...but i was wrong.....and so i say that i will be here waiting and hoping for a hello...but only for a while...im not that stupid....just a bit...but i get the message....but i really wish that the need to run and hide was not as prominant as it is....but know that i will not go hunting...i will be the prey...let you hunt me....i will not burn my hand twice....live your life not in fear....and know that remorse is heavyily set in...and that is that....the end

i think that there are way too many tribute albums...especially those gothic and punk tributes....i wouldnt mind if half the songs were good...but that usually isnt the story...serioulsy, most of the times you just get stinkers....and only about one gem....well they are tributes so i guess ill just have to bare them....meep

ok, thats all....buenas noches....quiero hablar contigo..es todo...nada mas....por un rato...tu amigo?...

i had this weird dream...the weather was cold..but it was hot...er dry...it was like a dry coldness...it was white all around..like maybe snow..but it was dry....so anyway...the dryness was causing the trees to combust..they would just start burning for no reason....so we had to be running around..putting the fires out with the water hose...so one would turn off and then another would start...so we were just running around...i think that ive had this dream before...weird..no?

so i watched buffy and roswell...both mighty good of course...whilst watching buffy i was all like...scary!!! and whilst watching roswell i was all like ::cries::...so my moods were swung mighty much....i still dont want to believe that tara is dead...i liked her...i thought that her mannerisms were very cute...now ive gotta wait til next week to watch the 2 hour season finale....cant wait!!!! and roswell...oh roswell how i will miss thee....i was all sad through the whole thing...and of course i was crying through the ending...i just didnt want it to end....what now...just another hole in my heart....what is it with tv...its not real or anything...yet to many people...the characters become like members of their families...if their show is in trouble..they band together and show their undying love for their program...the actors are just that....theyve got their own lives...and most could care less about the people on the other side of the glass....many a viewer becomes emotionally attatched...all that can come from that is heartache...but sometimes..those characters...those actors...become our friends...to many they are the only friends that matter...they fill the void left by the cruelty that is reality....even if its just thirty min...that thirty min one is in a happy place...away from school shootings..car bombs..wars...but to the network execs...the shows are just money...and if the cash flow begins to dry...well....then the end is at hand...and they wont care that you care..and ive lost my train of thought...blah

you know what song just came into mind...well..."im gonna be a super model..." isnt that funny...well kind of..maybe

um....i guess im out of words...for now anyway...mayhaps ill have more later...

um....thats all i guess...nothing else...so...yeah...til morrow

well tonight is buffy and the very last eppy of roswell...::cries::...but as we know..all good things must come to an end...

well today was nice and cool...a very nice departure from the mighty hotness that is spring and summer down here...hopefully this wonderful weather will stay with us for a while longer...

lately ive been playing final fantasy tactics...i hadnt used the playstation in a while...its still mighty fun...and it takes my mind off of cruel reality...so thats good...and ive still a bit to finish the game...

whenever i hear dinotopia..the first thing that comes to mind is fruitopia...ha

stray cat paid us a visit today..that was nice...it was right when we were about to close house...we heard a meow...so my mom had a plate of bones and such so i gave them to sheba...and then i was calm...sometimes i think that the cat is the only one that appreciates me in this world....the cat is better than any person i know...she listens..doesnt argue...lets me hug her...shes good people...

msn is still driving me batty....whats new

what would you do for a klondike bar?

wow...im so bored that im watching "texas country reporter"...well...its not really that bad i guess...and its better than watching "ag day"...urg...

i guess thats enough excitement for one day...may everybody be in good health...and if not...may they get their health back...much love...nitey nite....

well for mothers day there was this whole get together at my grandmothers house...of course i didnt go....i was alone all day...but then again, even when there are people around..im alone...so it didnt really matter...so i got up..ate my veggie burgers...read the sunday paper...and then took a nap..nothing else to do..all alone....so i had a dream whilst napping..i dreamt that the family gathering was here at my house..and i was just watching everybody from my window...not daring to leave my room...also watching from under my door...and not answering knocks...so then i awoke...only 4 pm...still alone...my family didnt return til 630...but eh.....so basically whilst everybody gorged in turkey and cake i stewed in my room...thats the story of my life..

watched a shibby show on pbs about the pandas...yay...very cute...had me smiling through most of it..especially the baby panda...next week they are gonna have a show with ewan mcgregor and polar bears..should be mega mighty good and cute with all the lil polar cubs ...on my to watch list

the whole implanting of that micro chip thingy into your arm is very cringe worthy stuff...it reminds me of the "sign of the beast" church thing...you know...when the end of the world comes around...and if youre left behind...you have to get tatooed or implanted to be able to buy stuff...and if you dont get it you are beheaded...stuff to think about...and this coming from somebody who is very limbo-y about everything church related..yeah....but still.....scary!!!!!

feeling very calm right now...listening to cocteau twins "treasure" album....im just all floaty and such...earlier i was sad walking around an empty house...being alone....heart was empty...im still feeling those things, but i guess im just in a music induced daze...oh well

gotta love ramones inspired christian punk...very...um....interesting...

both my cell phone and msn are gonna die in a couple of months...but i guess that doesnt matter...its not as if they get much use any way.....ill get to spend alot more alone time...wooo woooo

growing old is so sad...one day you are a crazy kid with your crazy music...the next day you are the one saying "oh those crazy kids and their crazy music"...oh what to do...just wither away...

happy mothers day to all...and to all a good night.

even though i dont believe in astrology i decided to look into it..just out of boredom i guess....some things are true...and some are not...but i guess the thing that most stick out are the wild moods..the moon...and other such things....hmm...

Sun Sign: Cancer by Astrology.com

Cancer, the fourth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others. More than likely, their family will be large, too -- the more, the merrier! Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. A Cancer's good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table, and don't be surprised if these folks get emotional about things to boot. Those born under this Sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them. The mascot of Cancerians is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancerians are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it's not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this 'shell' a second home (and they do love home).

The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time -- eventually these folks will come out to play again. When they do, they'll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this Sign. It's said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they'll fill you in. That shell, by the way, isn't the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, they'll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal. Cancerians are ruled by the Moon, the Great Mother of the heavens in ancient times. Here on Earth, this is manifested in the Crab's maternal instincts and desire to protect home and hearth. This may appear smothering at times, but that's the Crab for you. The Moon is associated with fertility, too, a quality which is most pleasing to Cancerians. The Moon is also the ruler of moods, and Cancers have plenty of those.

These folks can cry you a river if they're so inclined, and they usually are. They can be overly sensitive, easily hurt and prone to brooding. Even so, Crabs find it easy to be sympathetic to others and are quick to show their affection. Their intuition is also a great help to them, especially in times of stress. The Element associated with Cancer is Water. Like the rolling waves of the sea, the Crab's emotions can make quite a splash. These folks tend to pick up on things and bring them in, with the outward result ranging from sentimentality to possessiveness. Crabs need to resist the temptation to become selfish or to feel sorry for themselves, since this behavior won't help. On the bright side, Cancers are good with money (although some consider them too thrifty), probably because they value a sense of security. Crabs are also quick to help others and tend to avoid confrontation. In keeping with their nurturing bent, those born under this Sign are a whiz with food. A hearty picnic on the Fourth of July is heaven on earth to most Crabs. Cancers often find that a robust workout session is just the tonic for their touchy feelings. Team sports are always nice, since they offer a sense of community; water polo should be elemental to aquatic Crabs. What are their team colors? The Moon is silver and white. Since Cancerians have a tendency to be lazy, however, they may need someone to push them out the door. When it comes to the game of love, eager Crabs are devoted, romantic and able to get things going on their own. Crabs are wise to listen to their gut, since this Sign rules the stomach. The great strength of the Cancer-born is the tenacity with which they protect their loved ones. These folks don't ask for much, either: a comfortable home and sense of peace about sums it up. It's that nurturing instinct which makes Cancerians a pleasure to be with.

Cancer Profile by Astronet

Cancer's element is Water. Symbolic of the emotions, water signs need to give and receive. They thrive on the exchange of feelings. They need security and love to be wrapped in an environment of love and comfort. Truly a wonderful example of Yin receptivity, Cancer seems to absorb memories, feelings and psychic messages. Of course, they send back their own good vibes in the process. The cardinal' motivation energizes their strong ability to provide for others. Few work as hard and as tenaciously as Cancer. Without the balance of Yang assertiveness, however, Cancer's confidence can be a bit wobbly. After all, the Crab is so very sensitive to everything. Just as the sign's ruler, the Moon, goes through phases, Cancer often experiences mood-swings. Sometimes the desire to love results in giving too much. In such cases, the Crab can become over-protective or dependent. Balanced, the Cancer adds personal independence to his or her priorities.

Compatible: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, Pisces
Complex Feelings: Cancer, Capricorn
Strange Attractors: Aries, Libra
Incompatible: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius

nothing to report........just listening to dead can dance box set disk 1.....in the dark..no yummy tv radiation....just me stewing in my misery....but eh.....who me a loose cannon? not me....well right now im not feeling as violent as usual...im just feeling blah...ill prolly go to sleep early cos theres nothing to do....and i wont be thirsty if im asleep....nothing really to look forward to..but i guess i have to wake up...i guess water will be the reason to wake up...ive got to have something....if not then i should just give up...but not yet...i wanna believe that not everthing bad happens to me...let it be proven to me...hopefully....maybe...goodnite...i miss you....life...

i want some water!!!! but there is no more....i dont want to drink white tap water....SO THIRSTY!!!!! im gonna have to wait til i wake up later today...roar!!! i could drink juice or something, but its too late and i already brushed my teeth....water!!!!!! meep.

"she was a sour girl the day that she met me...." isnt sour girl a shibby song...and the video is also ultra shibby cos it has a gothic looking buffy..er..sarah michelle gellar..yummy....she looks good with black hair and black attire...meep

today was a sad oprah...all about the children that suffer all around the world...the sex slaves, soldiers, laborers, etc. i want to buy one of those pigs so that a little girl wont have to be sold off as a slave...i will one day...for 100 dollars a little girl will be able to go to school and wont have to be sold off...the family will raise the pig and sell it off instead...i always hate watching those shows where they show all the orphans of 3rd world countries..makes me want to adopt them..and thats cos i hate children...maybe one day...

lisa gerrard has one of the best voices in the world...i just love listening to her...she can make you smile, dance, cry...its magical..i need to get some of her solo stuff...i just have some of her dead can dance stuff....the only thing that bugs me about her is that she helped score the gladiator soundtrack which stars that loathesome russell scruffy crowe...blah...but i can forgive her..

i really feel freaking unwanted...nobody wants me....i cant even get a fucking minimum wage job...i mean..what the hell....i went to college...i got good grades...i think im a good person....ive applied at alot of low end jobs and still nobody wants me...so i know that its me..something is wrong with me....not even as a cashier...hello, i was already a cashier..albeit a year ago, but still....i guess im not good enough to be a cashier...i know that i shouldnt settle for 5.15, but i guess im not even worth that....i apply then i look at the ads, and the freaking job is still posted...what gives?....but i still think im not ready to try fast food just yet...nobody wants to hire me...not even interview me....and of course nobody loves me....i bet if i died right now nobody would even notice i was gone..or miss me...well you know what...all those people can just go to hell....fuck them and their lousy jobs...it doesnt take a rocket scientist to operate a cash register...yet they dont hire me...and these are just fucking part time jobs ...gah!!!!!! fuck you world.....you just dont give me anthing to live for...currently there is nothing good in my life...im just not enjoying it..nothing...no friends to talk to...nobody to love me...i only eat cos i have to and i eat the same 4 things over and over...so its safe to say that i dont enjoy food...i cant even eat ice cream or cake or pie...or pizza cos im a fucking idiot who believes in animal rights...no doritos....no cheetos....and im always worrying that im gonna get fat...and i dont even know my food limit...seriously i just dont know when im full...i used to be able to eat like 12 slices of pizza..now if i eat a whole plate of food i usually get so full that i end up throwing up...i guess my stomach has shrunk too much that it doesnt hold as much food as it used to...so i dont enjoy food...it just makes me sick....i guess candy is the only food that i enjoy....my relatives...i dont get along with any of them..not my father..sister...cousins..etc...barely my mother....its just usually me in my room...ill speak to them if i leave my room, but no gatherings or such for me....the only time i hug my father or mother is when there is a holiday...then im obligated to hug and speak to them....driving...i dont go driving cos im a fucking weirdo is afraid of driving....and this after having driven to work and college for about 8 months...and now...nothing...im just fucking mental...my eye sight is horrible...my skin is horrible...my hair is horrible..i dont even comb it....my fucking birthday is coming up...you know what i usually do for my birthday?...i spend it alone in my room...i dont let my mother buy a cake..and there is nobody to remember it cos there is no friends...and if there is atleast one person that remembers.well i try to avoid them...i just think that birthdays are fucking stupid and people only tell you nice things cos its tradition...i dont need a fucking day for people to tell me how "special" i am..if they wanted to they could do it any day...on their on free will...not cos they had to...i just hate fucking birthdays...all they are is reminder that you are one year closer to death..i dont need to put on my fake smile for that...so i guess spending that whole day alone in your dark room isnt that bad after all....and i think its stupid to remind people of your birthday, if they really wanted to know, then theyd remember from when you told them...so i just try to avoid even acknoweledging that i even have one...i wasnt born...i was just dumped in this hell.........i just dont think i have any redeeming qualities..well i guess just my love of animals....so in this world the only 2 things that bring me joy are candy and music...and you know that it isnt enough to keep one living...music is nice, but it doesnt have conversations with you...it doesnt give you a reason to live...it doesnt love you....so i just have to question my life every day...why am i living...im just wasting space...wasting oxygen...wasting away.....ah just another normal day for me......good bye.

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.......................................................kill me now.....
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.....please..............................................................

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 6:11:00 a. m.

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You are Fuujin! You've dealt with a lot of problems, and may be more introverted now than you once were. The wounds have healed but scars are still there. You've got a bit of a temper, which might make it hard for you to form lasting friendships. Take the Final Fantasy 8 Test here!

this is who i got...i dunno...she is very...hiss...and little words...hmmm

this is my fav character...booya...such a cutie

You are Zell! Hyperactive much? Caffeine and you should stay far from each other. You might be a little shy with the opposite sex, but in big groups you're extremely outspoken. Your emotions run strong, and though you might try to hide them, you seldom succeed. Take the Final Fantasy 8 Test here!

Click here to take the test!

your flavor is oO Green Apple Oo
Congratulations, you grouch. Okay, so perhaps 'grouch' is a bit of a strong term. Perhaps the words intense, moody, and sour are more to your liking. Either way, it's hard to find to find someone who really likes you, but there are people in this world who do appreciate you for your tangy 'kick'.



Which "Natural Wonder" are you?

isnt that just shibby....it really is me...wah!!!!!!!!




Take the Desert Creatures Test!


why must if be so hard....life...why does it have to hurt so much...why doesnt anybody care...why do i care....what came first the chicken or the egg?........night.

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 6:02:00 a. m.

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after being hopefull yesterday, ive learned that hope is bad...all it does is break you down....no hope means no break...so today was a pretty bad day..nothing good happened....well, i did get a david bowie cd, but other than that...it was just horrible...failed job hunting, body felt weak, stupid arguments, inability to share happy day cos of my stupidness...emotional instability....just bad....

first off, a dream that i had several days ago..ok well, its another weird one....ok well basically my front top 6 teeth fell off..haha...and i was all like...gotta put them in a glass of milk....dont really remember the rest, but i thought that it was interesting..no?

another dream, i was talking to a friend from a couple of years ago....cant really remember what the dream was about, but we were talking....thats it....

today i got the best of david bowie 1969/1974 import now i need the second part...i also wanted the sarah brightman best of german import, but it was 28 dollars for one cd...crazt!!!!!....also got some yummy tropical flavored starburst jellybeans....so that was my supper...so..that was the best part of the day

well, today was buffy and roswell day, so i guess that also was good...but i had already seen buffy...now gotta wait til next week..darkwillow!!!!! ok..now...is tara dead? well some reports say that anya is the one to die...she doesnt have a contract for next season....and amber maybe has one....guess i gotta wait and see....roswell ::cries:: just one eppy left...no!!!!! jason, majandra, shirri(sp?)!!!! my eye candies...and its a good show too mind you....so sad...mah aliens!!!!

i went to the library...looked for a harry potter book, of course i live in no mans land and a book like that cannot be found...its a wonder i actually found a poppy z. brite book once...i cant even find catcher in the rye....blah!!!!

wow, el encuentro final de los protagonistas was mighty shibby...mega wow....

sometimes i have the stupedest arguements with my mother...we argue about the smallest insignificant things...i really think that i need to get away from this place...there is nothing here for me...

i hope that my "friend" had a wonderful day today and that he got everything he wanted and wishes came true..and he ate many many nummy nummies..and just had a plain ol wonderful day......moving on....

after watching buffy and roswell i was pretty much in a state of disarray...i heard a song and i was ready to break down...isnt it strange how when you are really far gone that any music can make you cry..even happy music....enya, screeching weasel, mxpx, dead can dance, tori amos, morrissey, the cure, the cranes, etc..etc...my current sad song is "paint the silence" by south..i heard it 2 weeks ago on roswell and had to download it and now it is my spotlight sad song...especially when you look at pictures or just feeling bad....meep

after judging amy finished when my sister came to pick up the corn child...thats when i had the little arguement with my mom..about stars...so i went out to look at the stars...to see if i could see those planets that were supposed to be aligned or something....so when i came into my room i just covered my self with the blankets and turned everything off...i was just out of it...but i guess it passed...for now anyways...

anyway, moral of the day...dont have dreams...just because theyre free doesnt mean that theyll do you any good....if you lower your expectations youre bound to have less heart ache....ok....now leave!!!

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:14:00 a. m.

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martes, mayo 7  

here are the nice lyrics to "I'll be your mirror" by velvet underground(sung by nico)....its a nice song when youre feeling down...now i just gotta find somebody to sing it to me...anyway, id like to dedicate it to a special person on this special day...now read!!!

I'll be your mirror(lou reed)

I'll be your mirror,
Reflect what you are
In case you don't know.
I'll be the wind,
The rain and the sunset,
The light on your door
To show that you're home.

When you think the night has seen your mind,
That inside you're twisted and unkind,
Let me stand to show that you are blind.
Please put down your hands 'cause I see you.

I find it hard
To believe you don't know
The beauty you are,
But if you don't
Let me be your eyes,
A hand to your darkness
So you won't be afraid.

When you think the night has seen your mind,
That inside you're twisted and unkind,
Let me stand to show that you are blind.
Please put down your hands 'cause I see you.

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are

and that is all for today...sometimes not complaining is better than complaining...or something like that...no?...bye

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 3:23:00 a. m.

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ive been thinking about that saying...the one that goes something like...if you love/like something..set it free...if it doesnt come back..it wasnt meant to be... so ive decided to just go by that...im gonna move on.. im gonna quit being an idiot...quit trying to steal a moment..a smile....it best that way....i will survive..hey hey......

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 1:58:00 a. m.

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meep, im in a real strange mood right now, ive been listening to sarah m. alanis m. and enya.......scary

emtpy mind...................................hello, are you in there?

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 12:56:00 a. m.

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lunes, mayo 6  

right now im nothing, im just feeling empty and nothing...dont feel like writing anything...maybe ill go to sleep early...

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 1:07:00 a. m.

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im bored, theres nothing on the telly...blind date or v.i.p. um......um.....um.....ill get back to you on this...um....

You're kind and supportive and even though you're not always in the centre of attention and don't trouble
yourself with every detail, your friends cherish your loyalty and your sence of humour.
You're a dreamer and you know the most important things in life aren't 'things'.

Who are YOU?

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 12:04:00 a. m.

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domingo, mayo 5  

ok...yes im back...i just had to come back and write some thoughts....after reading my "friends" blog..well now im feeling all "@(#&$(" theres just no word to describe my current feeling....before reading it i was sort of alright, now im feeling like i got run over by a geo metro...sorry, thats just my lame attempt at lightening the mood...im gonna have a hard time getting to bed...if hes not happy, then what little chance does a fucked up loser like me have?...its gonna be his birthday in 2 days...he should be happy and all smily and shiny and stuff...he shouldnt be feeling like me...its just not right...its just not fair to him...id try to comfort him, but it would be too ackward..and i dont want to mess things up even more....i remember that when i had my deadjournal i once wrote an entry on how i was proud and jealous of him...how he was somebody that i looked up to...somebody who had it all together...a go getter..a "somebody"...just reading his words...his hurt...it makes me want to cry...i know thats fucking stupid of me and that im some freak for being that way, but thats just how i am....if i could, i would take all his pain and live it out myself...if i hurt..well, that doesnt matter...im nothing anyways, but when a special person hurts well...then you know that the world just isnt right....i dont know why he feels ugly...i think he looks great...and so do many other people...im the ugly one....."i guess you go too far
when pianos try to be guitars"..thats a lyric from the song northern lad by tori amos, i remember once telling him how that was my song...and he was all like "which is that song?", but that lyric, i feel that it describes my life...i feel like im a piano trying to be a guitar...its just wont work...it might sound right, but it isnt the real thing...i wish i could be a guitar, but i was born a piano...anyway, i really wish i could talk to him about this...but he is a stubborn person that only wants to keep his feeling bottled up....well, i hear the birds outside already..and the sky is light blue already...and im still up...but who cares, this is important to me....ok, ive already simmered down a little bit, im feeling better, but if i read his words again, i know that i will break down...i need some of that paxil...so, i wish he knew what a great artist, writer, webmaster, person, laugh inciter, being, that he is....i know that my words hold little meaning, but even if i were to put an iota of a smile on his face, well i would feel useful.....well, i hope that he gets out of his rut, he knows how i feel..i just hope that my idiotness isnt cause of his anguish....ok, i think im done..its late..er..early...i just truly hopefully wish that he feels better when he awakens..and for the rest of his life..to my brother in pain...much love...feel better...dont make me poke you ::pokety:: ::poke:: ::poke::....bye.

p.s. all of this is prolly gonna sound really strange or weird or wonky, but just realize that its early, i need sleep and im upset..so take it for what it is.........meep, i need sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 6:44:00 a. m.

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well, after some research...i.e. web surfing, ive discovered that several bands have tribute songs to nico...theres the Pulnoc song, the warlocks song, the marianne faithful song, the xyra song and there is the angels of light song...marianne acknowledges that compared to nico..she is nothing...and that she had to write her a tribute song or keep having nightmares...also, m. gira of angels of light says how he was obsessed with her music for a while actually made her out to be a mother figure...see, im not the only one obsessed with her...bob dylan dedicated a song to her, and the song heroes by david bowie was supposidly inspired by her..when the song "innocent and vain" plays, youd better not talk or morrissey will prolly slap you..really.....and she does deserve such tributes, she is probably the greatest influencial female in rock history...she influenced patti smith and other greats...she was wearing pant suits back in the 60s when all the other women were wearing mini skirts...her songs and lyrics are way ahead of their time....anyway, enough of my nico talk...for now, ill be listening to "song for nico" over and over and over...yay.

um...i think thats all for today.....mind gone empty....sooooo....byebye hughug kisskiss stabstab X

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:53:00 a. m.

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um...i guess i should start out be wishing everybody a merry cinco de mayo.....well...um...yeah

why must we all be slaves to something or other?....slaves to money, food, love, hate, power...why must we be ruled by such....sometimes i feel like a slave to love and the quest for it...and lack of it...also, sometimes i think that im a slave to music..how stupid is that....anyway, in one way or another were all slaves to something...meep

msn is still driving me batty...seriously i want to freaking throw stuffs around...i keeps signing in and out and in and out...since ive been signed on today its already done this about 10 times...what the hell is the problem...i hate msn...well i guess i dont have to worry that much more about it since my service is already gonna run out in like 2 months...then i dont know what....either no internet or im gonna have to resort to those pesky aol disks that seem to find you wherever you venture...anyway, back to my hate of msn...the stupid buddy system....people keep adding me..like 3 more people have added me...again i ask, where do they even know me from?..if its from here then theyd know that i hate buddy lists...so where am i being voyeured from?....if they are gonna add me why cant they email me and tell me..."oh, i think youre interesting..or boring..or whatnot...i wanna chat with you.." is that so hard...of course i always end up lookin like the evil meany person cos i end up blocking said people..oh well

is honesty really that great?.............

hm...i hate mystery phone calls....ok well around 10 pm i went into the other room to watch some telly with my mum...i got to my room at about 11...i looked at the cell phone and it said one missed call....so im all like..hmm...nobody calls me...so i look at the number and its one not known to me...so now im left wondering...besides, i usually dont answer the cell if i dont know the number...only a hand full of people know my number...so i think its mighty strange......oh well

well, im gonna have to go take a new photo for my new license in a few days...so gah!!!!...im such a weirdo....its gonna be my third license already, and they basically just sit there collecting dust...anyway, i dont know how im gonna wear my hair...dilema dilema...ill just wear it all puffy..let people know that i dont care...or whatever....

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 4:59:00 a. m.

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sábado, mayo 4  

well, i got through 5 cds...thats enough for today....ill listen to more tomorrow....um...i cant think of anything else....mind gone blank.......um...hawaiian punch is mighty addictive...haha....i love it when i just burst into random nonsensicleness....meep..i need sleep....well, ill be here in my cell waiting for you....who are you...i dont know, but ill be waiting...yes?...ok, now im just being crazzzy...ok byebye hughug kisskiss stabstab X(i guess youve noticed that this or something like it..has become my official daily closing...well it amuses me so...blah :P)

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:04:00 a. m.

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cher...ok well i saw her today on oprah....all i could think of was ROBOT VOICE...haha...its cos this guy that i know said something about chers robot voice the other day....i think that cher should just have that device installed in her throat...that way she can always talk in robotese...and no, buffy doesnt sing like english shakira.. :P

ok, well right now im gonna embark on a "punk" experience...i.e...im gonna listen to a bunch of punk cds...i havent listened to punk in a while...im gonna listen to sex pistols, jon courgar concentration camp, vindictives, dead kennedys, and the yummy bouncing souls...."and his name is lamar vannoy..oi oi oi..."...good stuffs....ok be back in a while...meep....i know that its gonna put me in this whole attitude...government this and government that...were all clones...etc..etc...::meh::

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 1:31:00 a. m.

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yay, nick cave is currently on conan....well, i guess im the only one that is excited...hes getting old....well, he looked way better a few years ago...after he left the birthday party...age happens...but hes still at top form musically...and thats whats important...good song.

ya se va acabar la programa de los protagonistas...que voy a ver cuando se acabe?...si, yo se que mi espanol es muy...bleh...perdoname...meep

im sick of seeing spiderman this and spiderman that..spiderman overload...theyre killing the whole thrill...spiderman has always been one of my favorite super heroes..i loved the cartoons....ive got tons of spiderman trading cards...but now...now its just blah...i think maybe ill see the movie....when it comes out on the telly....hollywood just sickens me with all their "blockbusters"...but i will forgive both tobey and kirsten...i like them both...good kids...anyway, i dont know how many more spiderman commercials and magazine ads and other misc. promotions i can endure....overloadoverload.

freaking net radio is going bonkers on me....gah

oh father files: ok well my father is at it again...well i was here in my room...and then my father knocked on my door...so i knew that he wanted something, well i answer the door and well he handed me a canester of peanuts..whats up with that?..hes all like here...i guess that what they mean by the expression "working for peanuts"..anyway, its not as if i adore peanuts or anything...see, he knows nothing about me...maybe if it was a bag of cornnuts or somthing..but peanuts?..what am i gonna do with that man?...you know what song reminds me of him...."father of mine" by everclear...dunno why..meep

hm...ive been thinking about getting my hair cut...but dunno...maybe not....mayhaps so...i need a little push...dunno...gah

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 1:15:00 a. m.

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viernes, mayo 3  

um...today...today was pretty normal...ho hum...boring..blah

i had a strange dream yesterday, but i cant remember most of the details, all i can remember is that i was eating this strange dish....ok, it was like a bunch of different foods mixed together...bottom layer was vanilla ice cream..and then some pudding...and some candy bits..like mnms or something...and the top layer was rice...how strange is that...well anyway, in the dream i seemed to enjoy it mighty much..however, even though it was in a dream world, my mind knew that pudding and ice cream had dairy products..yes, my mind is mighty weird..but thats all i remember...meep

dunno what else to write...just not much happenings...well, the days do seem to be passing by mighty fast...its seems like it was just sunday and i was going through the sunday paper..and now its already friday...my days are just being wasted..much like my life...im tired...i guess i least i can do is go to the library and get a book to read...that way it wont be such a waste...its such a bother choosing a book to read...most stuff bores me...maybe..

tv pondering: ok well everybody loves a strong female lead character in a tv show...well, something ive noticed...on most shows with the strong female...the show has to have some gay characters...am i not right?...first, there is the mightiest of the female warriors...xena of course....and in the final eppy we find out that xena first loved that asian girl, and then of course her and gabrielle were in love....next show....dark angel...well, shes mighty, and her friend is a gay...i dont remember what her name is, but is kind of a lesser sidekick..lesser lesser....final example...buffy...well of course there is willow and tara...but also, sometimes faith gave of the vibe...the "i wanna get with you buffy" vibe...and also, andrew loving warren.......maybe im just making things up, but sometimes when youre bored you just start to think about stupid little things like this...

i know its time to turn off the telly when mr rogers comes on....scary!!!!!! ok, im done for the day...see you soon...hopefully.....ok...byebye hughug kisskiss stabstab X

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:02:00 a. m.

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"....iiiiiiim gonna soak up the suuuuuun...." yes, im watching the rerun of jay leno with sheryl crowe and liz phair...isnt liz just the purtiest lil thing....liz is mighty awesome...ok im done..

i think that ive got too much stuffs on my blog...takes to long to load....gruffff...i just want it to be purty...

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 4:08:00 a. m.

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gah!!! its driving me crazy...well, if you know me, you know that im a perfectionist...and little details bug me much...so i cant decide where to place the tag board....i want it at the top, but i think that the emoticon and lyric should come first...but i think that the tag board looks weird after them...but i dont want it to come first...and i dont want it to be way at the bottom....im such a weirdo, i let the most mundane things drive me batty...::slaps self:: ok, im a bit better now...but still...it looks weird...or maybe its just me...yeah, thats it.

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 3:58:00 a. m.

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ok, i added a tag board thingy since the comment thingy went bust...so mayhaps this will work...though i do think that it will go unused....nobody visits here....and since it must be used every 2 weeks or be deleted..well, ill prolly end up using it to post lil thoughts or something....ok..thats all.

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 3:33:00 a. m.

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yay..i stole this from some one...plus, when i run out of stuff to write surveys do a good job of filling out the empty space...so meep.

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1. If you could build your house anywhere, anywhere, where would it be?
um....scotland or somewhere very green...on a hill top so that i could be close to the moon at night...and rolling hill sides...and with the aurora borealis...or aurora australis either will do....or italy...or iceland...or a hole in the ground i guess...

2. What're your favorite articles of clothing?
um...dunno...body armor

3. What's your favorite physical feature of the male/female?
dunno, i guess i take everything into consideration...its gotta be in proportion...but i guess eyes...and teeth.

4. What's the last cd you bought?
rasputina: cabin fever

5. Where's your favorite place to be?
dont really have one...i guess by the window looking out at the night sky.

6. Where's your least favorite place to be?
hospitals...they depress me mighty much...even if i dont know the patient..it will make me sad.

7. Where's your favorite place to be massaged?
dunno, lets find out.

8. What's most important, strong in mind or strong in body?
strong in mind...but i guess a strong body can be fun :)

9. What time do you wake up in the morning?
morning?...about 1 or 2 pm.

10. What's your favorite show?
buffy and arthur

11. What's your favorite kitchen appliance?
i dont know how to use any of them...toaster i guess

12. Favorite childhood memories:
i guess waking up early saturday mornings to watch GOOD cartoons

13. What makes you laugh?
dunno, whenever im on the phone(which is usually never) i tend to get the giggles...i just laugh at everything.

15. If you could play any instrument, what would it be?
sitar or bass

16. Favorite restaurant/cafe'/eatery?
i dont eat out...only about once a year...so dont know

17. Scariest moment of your life?
i guess when i was in the car crash...everything seemed to go in slow motion...and then the airbag...and the person had to come tell me to get out of the car...cos i was just in there frozen....but i wasnt hurt...is that a good thing?

18. If there was a movie made about you, what current/former hollywood person would star?
i hate hollywood...some unknown indie star

19. Do you believe in afterlife?
no

20. Favorite childrens book:
hank the cowdog!!!!!!, arthur, where the wild things are

21. What is your favorite season?
fall

22. What is your least favorite house hold chore?
mowing

23. If you could have only one super power, what would it be?
i want to fly

24. If you have a tattoo, what is it and where?
dont have one, i just dont like pain...but that doesnt mean that i wont get one.

25. Who was your first love and at what age?
love doesnt acknowledge me.

26. The song you wished you had written?
none, i have no writing skills

27. Do you prefer cats or dogs?
MEOW!!!!

28. What is in the trunk of your car?
dont have a car..but when i did..i dont think i had anything but the spare.

29. What is your favorite day?
friday i guess

30. Using only one word, describe yourself:
wonky

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* how do you go about the following things:
1. reading a magazine:
first i look at the purty pictures, then if i see something interesting i might read it.

2. playing a cd you just bought:
i put it in the player and listen to it like 4 times in a row til i get to know the songs...i guess i try to force myself to like all the songs..

3. picking out what to wear:
i just wear whatever covers me best.

4. cleaning your room:
um....i guess arranging my cds first and then the drawer top..and then vacuuming the floor..thats it.

5. getting things done:
last minute

6. shopping for a new outfit:
i rarely buy new clothing

* answer with the appropriate numbers:
7. slices of pizza you usually eat
i dont eat pizza...havent in like 2 years

8. medications you're on
um...centrum?

9. minutes it takes for you to get ready for school/work
::cries::

10. minutes it takes for you to get ready for a date
::cries::

11. minutes you spend in the shower
i take a long time, about an hour

12. mp3s on your computer
about 200

13. dollars you paid for your favorite shoes
um....32

14. number of jobs you've had
2

15. posters on your walls
none...my walls are a plain bright blue color....nothing else....before they got painted...it was like staple heaven....never again...no way am i going to ruin the walls again.

16. dollars you paid for your most expensive pair of jeans
dunno....30?

* how many times have you done the following things in the past month?:
17. cried
dunno, i dont want to be a freak about it and keep tab...but enough to drain the soul

18. lied
i dont really lie much...dunno...once i guess

19. quit a job
::cries::

20. watched the same movie
about 4 times

21. yelled at someone to their face
i have nobody to yell at.

22. yelled at someone online
i dont have anybody to chat with............. :(

23. gone to a show
none

24. bought a cd
3

25. laughed at something that wasn't supposed to be funny
i dont think i did

26. missed your favorite tv show
never...thats what the vcr is for...but ive been missing all of my fox shows

27. filled out surveys like these
with this one...2 i think

28. swore a song was about you
oh...i think that everything that i listen to was written for and about me...im a real freak

29. used the word 'emo'
um...no...i dont use words like that

30. got drunk
no, but the other day during the get together one of my "friends" was all like..."lets go drinking"

find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
<º>

Find your emotion! [?]

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 3:01:00 a. m.

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jueves, mayo 2  

ok, i added little descriptions to the links....and now i sleep...meep.

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:49:00 a. m.

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::yawn::

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:28:00 a. m.

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um..today today...well today i had my a/c cleaned by the sears guy....um....a/c.....isnt the a/c great....but still...it still has its faults....it keeps us all fresh and yummy, but its fake....its just creates a false ambiance...recycled air...its sterile...fake....i dunno...fake.

buffy!!!!...yes, im all with buffy again today...well, i saw next weeks eppy already, and well...i already knew what was gonna happen cos of all those bloody spoilers....but still....the last few seconds of the eppy were very sad and depressing...i wont say too much in case any of my readers are buffy watchers, i dont want to ruin it...as if i have any readers....so im ready for the eppy in 2 weeks...one interesting note though...they added amber benson to the starting credits....hmmm...interesting...very interesting...also i guess i can say that the eppy has alot of willow and tara kissy kissy and its funny cos that guy in the troika...andrew is in love with warren...oh geek love....get it where you can...love i mean, not geek love...anyway.

note...whenever i write today, it usually means yesterday....its due to my wonky time management...anyway...

isnt it weird how you can feel both thin and fat at the same time?....well a while ago i saw my face in the mirror, and i thought that i looked very urgg....i dunno, my face looked too thin...and the other day when i saw one of my "friends" i know that i weigh more than him, but when i saw his arms and then i saw mine, mine were obviously thinner and boney...this guy used to say that i had old man hands...lol...even with these truths..i still think that im too thick...fat...i guess once youre fat it stays with you....the feeling...the image...and nobody can say anything unless they know what its like..what its like being fat...growing up fat...it just stays with you forever...its just burned in your mind...i do try my best...i try to just act normal...but i cant....and thats why i usually dress the way i do...baggy pants...baggy pant hide baggy legs....and sweaters and jackets hide both boney and baggy arms....as well as just plain ol ugly skin....if i could i would just walk around in an armor suit....but well you know....and well, i just need a face mask to hide my face...or i could take up kabuki...im a yoyo...so um...yo

job hunting is killing me...im sick of visiting the freaking job express web site every single day...and looking at the want ads in the paper every single day...and filling out applications just to end up waiting for the phone to ring...and of course it doesnt...it never rings...it just makes me feel very hopeless....its a waste...im a waste...its just all going down the drain...my life..

i wish i had somebody to talk to...id talk to myself, but im pretty boring...ill put myself to sleep....i guess im done for now...i know ive run out of stuff to write when i start with the whole "im alone" "i want somebody to talk to"..routine....but really, im alone

well good bye...is the opposite of good bye..bad bye...bad hello..or just hello?..something to ponder..no? ok..hughug kisskiss stabstab

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:09:00 a. m.

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miércoles, mayo 1  

were the dead beat club......yes indeed

the night....isnt the night just wonderful....when i was younger..i used to hate the night....well not hate, but i feared it....now..now i embrace it...i love it....its just the most perfect time....its magical....sometimes i good sit on the bed and just stare out the window..i stare out for several minutes...and im just in a trance...but it does have its price...it causes me to think...and of course not the happy puppy and bunny thoughts....the blackhole type....as in im living in a blackhole...being sucked in...no escape...especially nights with a moon and stars in the sky....those nights make me very emotional...and also very happy and peaceful....theyre just times that i treasure yery much....if time could stay frozen when i watched the moon in the night sky...i wouldnt mind...being frozen like that...forever....id have a smile on my face...id be free....

today i was mighty pigish...for dinner i had trial mix...which was mostely candied stuffs and i had some cornnuts....eeeeek

dont you hate it when the telly drives you batty....of course im talking about buffy....roar!!!!...whys it always got to be depressing and make me all emotional like....it makes me want to scream and yell and other loud things...that buffy...why does she have to be so mean to spike....hes such a sweety and all she does is ignore push him away....some people just dont know a good thing when they see it...yes i know that its just a telly program....let me believe that its real....its one of the few pleasures that i have in this world....let me believe....and xander, oh how i hate him!!!!! they should have cursed him....gah!!!....oh and willow and tara...how cute...but we all know whats gonna happen with that....shes gonna die....but theyre so good together....and what about roswell(one or two ls?)...i really like that show....but theres only gonna be 2 mos eppys and then no more...the end....where else am i gonna get my good looking alien teen fix?...hiss to you people that got it canceled...hiss!!!!

and now, an oh father report....well, the other day my father crashed into my sister...how much more wonky can you get?...i dont know whats wrong with my dad...hello....hes leaving the drive way and he only looks to the right....and my sister, well she thinks that he is gonna stop...well he doesnt and she does, but it was too late....as he backed out...he hit her front right side....well nobody was hurt....and where was i you ask?...asleep of course....but my mum was kind enough to tell my the lovely story...sometimes i just dont know what im gonna do with that man.....meep

raisins...arent they just the vilest like creatures....ugggg...well, i guess not as vile as their cousins the prunes, but pretty close..

well, i guess thats all for now...or today.....hughug...byebye....stabstab.......love u.

posted by Cosmic Dancer | 5:27:00 a. m.

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