how did it all come to this...how did i get this way....why me?....maybe its the water....now im just babbling...need medications...the padded room....the nice jacket....ive lost it.

it may all end soon...more than likely it will...one thing can change the outcome...not gonna happen....maybe someday...til then i return.

im sad that autumn is gone...didnt get to take one of those fall strolls that i so love...at the moment, theres some loverly wind outside, it could easily pass as autumn...nice stroll in the dark...just add the moon, floating clouds and twinkling stars and ill be yours...i love the wind, xcept when it opens my door whilst im sleeping and causes me to wake..hate that....so, the wind is yummy, perfect for in mind flying...wear the right garment and you can down right glide...spin with the current, close your eyes...fly to the moon with your loved one...rest on the grass, let the rolling hills caress you....let the wind kiss your body...and the train is derailed..

such a horrible time to be alive...the world is going crazy causing the peoples to go crazy...not a good time to be alive.

i have no place to go......

all this technology bugs me...tv...computer...internet....blah blah...its just too menacing...sometimes i think id like to live without it all...ive had thoughts of street living before...make me a better person, take away the weak....make me strong...roam...roam...walk...be a better person....its too comfy this life....all these things will remain after were gone...we cant take them with us....im gonna try and be even less materialistic...sometimes i dont even know what im thinking about...

just sitting here...listening to the soothing wind...it really is, its blowing all my thoughts away....its nice....not thinking...just listen, im not here...im floating....

i need to get me some better vices...mine arent vice enough.

porque no me dices lo que quiero saber?

the new year is near...you know my thoughts on that by now...no use drinking from the empty bottle.

im miserable cos i hate too much....change is hard.

i wish i didnt worry so much...its killing me, all this worry....i bleed worries. id like to be happy, is that to much to ask?...id like to believe that happiness is real....but am i real? or am i just pixels and binary code....i might just be a hobby...hobby of a bored person...could somebody like me really exist?

and that concludes this session of nonsensicle blah blahs....i needed rest from the regular hums and drums.....just let it all roll off your back...sooooo sad....it goes nowhere...this.

in honor of my friend, ive changed the current lyric...cos i feel like it, heres an excerpt, so there :p

"(i'm) the end of the family line" by morrissey

"With no complications
Fifteen generations
(of mine)
All honouring Nature
Until I arrive
(With incredible style)....."

ill write more later if i feel up to it, cant be bothered at the moment.

.................................................grief echoes tomorrow
.................................................waiting everyday, love lost
.................................................males induce keen eyefulls

random words? the brain needs to rest. thats all ive to say....sorry in advance.

the humming of the computer is somewhat soothing....

people arent that bad...its me thats the problem....people just want to be__________.

thus he went to bed as the day was creeping into reality...creeping to its ritual....up the sun comes...down i go....let the birds sing me to sleep.

when i got up, had my breakfast/lunch..um..brunch?..well anyway, my sister was here, always being the odd one, i ate in my room whilst mum dad and sis ate at the table...dont think the family has been together in years. so when we finished i was informed that mum and sis were headed to the mall, since im such a good child i accepted the invite. in order to not break my non gel usingness i went all mop headed. first we got my sister check at her job, she used to cut hair, but now she works at beauty supply store!!!!! then we cashed the check and were mall bound. there wasnt as many people as i feared thered be. after being forced to play smell and guess the scent of the candle with my sis, they went their way and i headed toward the music stores of course..was tempted(of course) but i wasnt about to pay those silly prices, id rather get order through the internet, much cheaper...there was this suede dvd of their videos that i wanted, but didnt get...so then i went with my sis to the store that sells incense and buddhas cos she was gonna buy some incense for her husband...so there she was smelling them all and making me smell them all, i became all gigglish...so whilst she finished i waited outside the store and did some people watching....i think theres some rule or something that says whenever you go out, you have to see somebody that you know, so while there, i saw a lady from work...she was all "oh we all miss you...blah blah" "get together and have a carrot..blah blah" so that was my trip to the mall. then when we got home she ordered a pizza for her family and her husband ruined everything..hes such an animal..filthy beast...deadbeat...lowlife...etc. so he kept calling and calling and calling and kept being scumish...money is evil....all our family is degrading...were all spiraling downwards...*sigh*

had no time for a nap so i was mighty tired...but im fine for now.

und the end is getting closer.

hmm...dunno, it all seems way tooooooo blue..mega mighty blue...its like when you see those houses with only red christmas lights and youre all like..huh, what were they thinking....electric blue..now, you know me, theres a david bowie song with lyrics i could start quoting, but it grows weary..."sound and vision" is the song btw....so yeah, its like a shock to the senses...itll do for now.

i need a job so i can something to complain about.

well, the day was blah of course..that goes without saying. mostly slept, musiced, tvd, etc...it was punk listening day...went through my punk cds and heard buncha comps...watched zaboomafoo!!!!! haha....some passions, one life to live(you know why), arthur!!!, clase 406(i so knew that magdalena was gonna die), will und grace....i spent a long time going through some pics of myself, trying to find the least ugly.LEAST...it was a mighty daunting task, i just seem to look drugged up in all of them.strange.......then played some video game, and blah blah blah.

got an actual email from my friend!!!! so that made me smile..well, first it caused me grief cos i started assuming the worst...its just that people dont seem to send email unless there is something horrible to say but then i read it and all was well in wonky land...hes good people, puts up with too much from me, more than should be allowed. :)

im hungrish at the moment...for the day i had a big bowl of fideo, some garlic bread, 2 slices of white bread, a pack of crackers and a little bag of cereal snacks...plus lotsa juice and water...yes, i need a better menu

cell phones are evil, this one person keeps calling over and over and over, like 10 over the past few days, its just the wrong number, but since i dont answer wrong numbers it keeps coming...makes me have to turn it off just to escape the annoyance of its ring..woke me up...gah

my hair is recovering quite nicely, i havent had to style it in days, its almost back to its almost but not quite healthy sheen..wah!!!

i think i mighty like family more if they didnt talk as much...thats what it is, i would mind people so much if they didnt ask so many questions...if i could stay in my little corner looking quasi-content then it would be fine, but talking to them?..ive just nothing in common....i guess the fact that most of them arent so nice anyways contributes to my hermitige.

i really wish that i didnt hate everything so much, then maybe id be somewhat more tolerable..

almost new years....i hate new years...it just depresses me oodles..this was a life changing year, i discovered myself somewhat and came a bit closer to terms with the true me....yet nothing to show for it....same routine every year...reflect, i get to reflect on all my mistakes, failed attempts at love, jobs, life, friends, its just all clockwork...its gonna be me and trusty ol tv, watching the blazing sky and trying to avoid thoughts of being struck by stray bullets...and its gonna be a sad time, never gets easier....one year i sat in the dark listening to enya which just made me cry even though enya isnt that sad....what will be my tear promoting music this year? thus i hate the holidays, they just serve to remind me of my pathetisism...maybe stray bullets arent so bad

maybe.

sometimes i just want to quit everything...quit people and life and just everything, but i cant, im just not wired that way..it would be much easier to let go, but sometimes thats all we have...thats all i have, thoughts memories, cant let go.

outside the sky is crying...it feels me. its nice outside.

"...Without you my life has become a hangover without end. A movie made for TV: bad dialogue, bad acting, no interest. Too long with no story & no sex....
....
I know it must be bad 'cos sitting here right now, all I know is I can't even think, I can't even think of anything clever to say....
...
The night is getting darker now and there's nothing on TV but I'll sit tight 'til morning light. Yeah, I'll wait until the day. Until the day that you say you're gonna stay..."

just some choice lines from the current lyric, "tv movie" by pulp.

my reason for such early morningness?...my theory is that the later/earlier i go to bed, the less day i have to endure...the less i endure the less i suffer..yes?

hmm...ive gots some books from the library, yet i cant seem to start any of them..i seem to have been knocked out of my readingness mood..bah

cleaned my room, rearranged my cds again for the umpteenth time

resolutions?...who the hell needs to new years for those, starting yesterday i vowed to give up junk food, just another feeble attempt in my ever growing quest to be unfat however unrealistic it may be...maybe im not fat, but tell that to my brain..you wont win...by junk i mean chippies and the likes, im not gonna give up my candies..how bad can peppermints be for you anyways?

is it bad to watch zaboomafoo just to see the kratt brothers getting all down and dirty..haha...getting all muddy and wet and wrestling with each other? what can be better, you get to watch them rassle and you get educated on animals...hey, ive gots to get a little excitement wherever i can..so there.

uh.....thats about it...cant think of anything clever to say........:p ok, gnite..er..goodmorn...er...bye.

sorry, im just kinda in a slump...still working it out in my head...the noodles are working overtime..its the holidays..those horrible holidays, they just amplify my inner grinchness/scroogeness..cant decide which im more like...well, while im stewing in my misery, i hope everybody else in the world is all sorts of mighy happy and joyous..so anyways, the entries for the next few might be all anemic, like i said, still working it out.

yellow snow..lemon flavored?...haha..sorry, cold affecting my reasoning.

ok, bah!!!!!! im done.

dont worry...soon it will be over...you wont have to worry about me anymore...death?...ha, dont be silly. my looming presence will be gone...

ok, cryptic messages make me sleepy...nite.

and so it ended....its done...bah

as i predicted, it was a mighty blah day...for the 4 hours i only had 4 people....since i had no books to read, i just watched videos and did other misc web surfing....i got 4 hugs..plus 2 from the other day...6 hugs in all...how sad that it meant nothing to me...my cruelty shows itself..of course i hugged back, but just for show....i wish i couldve felt something for them...but alas....then again, i doubt that they wouldve hugged if they knew the real me...i need to work on my humanity...im humanless, or something like that..

my father and grandmother(mothers side) both have this charm that only strangers seem to fall under...everybody thinks theyre these saints and were all evil....i swear, the neighbors want to adopt my dad...i ofcourse dont mind..be gone...i have yet to converse with said neighbors, my mom tries to avoid them cos we know that they would never leave our house if friends we were...plus, my whole fear of human thing..and id just end up staring at the straping young neighbor boy...haaha...but seriously, i really wish i was better at this whole living thing...im just not equiped for it...maybe pills would help..strange pills

strangely i feel the need to sing "the end"...crazy psycho nico version, not calm normal the doors version....huh

ive noticed that i "mmhmm" too much...not in writing, but in actual voice...whenever i help somebody and they say thank you are something, i go "mmhmm" must be annoying...oh well.

gilda is so brilliant, plus she does a great patti smith...yes

funny how i go from here to there topic wise...well, not funny..crazy..ok, now im done.

goodnite and thankyou.

just finished the book...wouldve finished hours ago had i not gone to sleepy land...oh well, the task is done..i did it, read 3 books in 5/6 days....dunno, the book left me confused...real, fake....but it was good...now i prolly wont get more books til a few days from the library that is close by...i prolly wont be to the "my" library any more...im very avoidish....

work was blah again...just had 12 people for 4 hours....just the regulars...everybody interesting is off on holiday..so i know that today, my last day, will be just the same boring people, oh well, i guess i should be thankful for such a normal calm last day.

attack of the killer spider...not a dream this time...i went into the bathroom to rinse my hair and there it was...a giant grotty spider...it was like a baby tarantula, but it wasnt tarantuline...it was just a mighty giant spider...of course i was all like "YIKES!!!" after i bathed it in bowl and tile cleaner i pretty much vacated the room after it fled in fright...blah

wah!!!! got to see kate bush on the old eppy of snl....of coures nobody knows who kate bush is...just one of tori's biggest influences...the original crazy piano lady?..just might be.

i wonder if ill ever find closure...closure in myself...who i am....

finished the book just as i promised..just now in fact...well, i cried, but not as much as i thought i would...i seriously think theres something wrong with me...here i am having all these things happening right now in my life and what do i do? i read depressing books that are sure to make me cry...anyways, the book was great..funny sad...thats always good, the funny sad combo...well, after this book youd think that id read enough about AIDS right, well...the other book, "the night listener" which i started reading in work also deals with AIDS....so, i started reading this book in the lab cos i thought that if i read the other book that id start crying or something well, i start reading this one and of course there it goes making me sad...had to pace myself...a few times i was close.....got to page 83, ive got to finish this one by today...turn the three in sunday...my last day....so...what is wrong with me...why am i submitting myself to this self impossed torture...am i in love with sadness?...do i secretly crave it?......well, its not for pity, i dont have crowds of people around me cheering me up, so thats not it...i guess i figure that if im gonna be sad, might as well be mighty sad....*sigh*...i promise the next book i read will be more cheerful...maybe some sci-fi or fantasy...dunno...my reading habits are odd, from reading little harry potter i moved on to AIDS literature...thats quite a 360 if there ever was one....ill read something nicer..ill try....in both books they equate having AIDS with old age...rest homes, loss of movement, nobody visits you..etc....double sadness..ive said before how age saddens me.....

had a dream about a spider...it was talking about jumping on me...it was mighty big and grotty...i was throwing stuff at it, it fell and then it was a little black lizard thinger...then i was in college and the whole campus was like a maze and hidden doors in the walls and obsticles...when i got to a class there was like a mind quiz thing..i didnt pass it so i had to leave the class...dont remember anything else...

interesting grandmother story..so, about 6 years ago when she had the heart surgery and they cracked her ribs and everything...well, she was never the same...from strong amazon she went to weak old person....became delusional...repeats everything alot, has trouble breathing, doesnt eat much, has trouble walking, etc...of course she refuses to leave her home, even though she shouldnt be living alone...so anyway, my mum was telling me what she said the other day....my grandmother said that she was outside in her porch, just sitting...then a man passed her yard, he was holding a noose and he told her "un ano mas" whilst holding the noose up and smiling and then he walked away...so of course that just creeped me out...sure shes delusional, but i dont think she would be able to imagine something so bizarre...for our non espanol speaking friends, "un ano mas" means one more year...now, the man didnt specify one more year for what?...her death, the end?...so spooky, no?....so were debating what the meaning of this is...yikes

work was boring...nothing much, spent my last day with all the old papers....the next 2 days will just be baby sitting the lab...just helped 1 man who didnt know how to check his email...unless he was just pretending...most 28 year olds know how..dont they?....talked some buffy with my coworker...thats about it...got home, ate...started reading....slumbered a bit while resting my eyes for a bit....blah..

i write too much garbage...filler...filler....filler...trash....hot air...there in lies my talent..spewing hot air...

just today then tomorrow.....then....then......?????????????????????????????

ive been too crazy lately...need your counseling skills....yes?

"...Crash into my arms
I WANT YOU
You don't agree -
But you don't refuse
I know you...."

just a meaningful excerpt from the current lyric..."jack the ripper" by morrissey....and again i say it...im so stupid.

my feet are cold...

pg 232....im gonna finish today if it kills me!!!.later today i mean, after sleep and such

im soooo stupid...why cant i just lose these thoughts...no, not my depresso thoughts, other thoughts of certain peoples...stupid stupid stupid...i need to leave.

wah!!! tori is on craig kilborn...sorta fairytale...mighty good of course, but me thinks she needs to start doing another song..

ok, read smore, got up to page 192....ive passed the funny happy part and have now reached the sad depressive part...the glory of the early 80s has turned to the horror of the late 80s...the sadness has arrived...i know as i keep reading, its just gonna make me massively sad...the reality of it all...the knowledge that its out there....can happiness really be attained?...i feel the tears welling up.

well, the day was pretty much nondescript...xcept..well, when i got to work i punched in, got ready, went upstairs...i tried to enter the room through the side door as i always do, it was locked so i was all like...huh...so i got through the front side, no biggie...so i tell them that its locked and the girl tells me to go unlock it through the inside...im all like...no thanks, ill just get the keys and go unlock my cave...so then she pushes me into the room and there are lotsa peoples there and im all like..whats going on?.. then theyre all like "SURPRISE!!!" of course im like mighty surprised..well, i pretty much had some stupid face...of course i didnt expect anything like this...a going away party...they had all this veggie friendly food...a meatless taco salad thinger, corn chips.salsa, rice, veggie plater, an animal free cake, doughnuts and some tuna sandwiches for the normals...well, i had already eaten before going in...i still ate...too much in fact, still feeling the effects...so i ate, and saved a plate for lunch time....also, got a card that they made and had all their signatures and wishes....huh..well, thats not the spectacular thing that i was wanting when i wrote yesterday, but it beats having a regular day...all this did was made me realize that its real...its really happening, im really leaving there....its barely registering in my mind....*sigh*...anyway, the rest of the work day was blah...slow day, no traffic, same peoples....

ive heard all the songs on the "release" album and i like them all, its rare that i actually like every single song on an album...I NEED TO GET THIS ALBUM!!!!! but im actually stopping to think about money...ive gots to be careful...but still......

well, whilst bathing i just zoned out...started thinking about everything....work, money, relations(or lack there of), life, the book...everything just made me mighty sad....i need therapy...pills...talk...

now that im not tied down by the job i want to leave...if college doesnt work, i want to leave..nothing here for me...NOTHING...i wish there was something, but no, nothing....

ok, i guess im done for now, gonna continue reading...got the tissue ready....

my brief moment of self confidence has left me and ive decided that those pics of me need to go...they mock me...maybe i just need less...or none...dunno, cant think..late/early....

got to page 125 in the book....mighty good...funny, makes me giggle....and its naughty :p...haha...anyway, keeps me entertained in this my time of uncertainty...

work was blah...listened to brit pop station(love it)..handled moldy old papers(blarg)..thats about it...meh...no interesting peoples...the abductor coworker girl asked if it was my last day..i was all like ''um..no...til sunday" and promptly got away..im so mean...i was feeling the effects of knowing that it would end in a few days...some sadness which was magnified by the music..

i wonder if anything spectacular will happen today....of course it wont...i dont want to set such high standards when i know the outcome..

in a few days im gonna be a bum...and emotional bum...if i dont get to go to school then im gonna have to beat somebody with a loaf of bread...

it will be odd if our house is sold...my blue room will be gone...the house i grew up in, had my imaginary outings, had ignorance induced happiness...once its gone you cant ever go back..im not ready, i may never be ready...

my mirror needs to learn how to lie...

as i draws near, so does the possible end of place..

im done...gonna sleep early....really.

i should just change my name to weepy will....i just finished reading "my fathers scar" by michael cart..i checked it out tuesday...just 204 pages...anyway, thats where the weepiness comes in...its a great little book about being different, the torment of being different, and finding love, having to hide your love....its seems that the dad is always the abusive drunk, the mother is always totally ignorant, the people fear what is different and therefore mob and shun them.....story of my life....this is the stuff i always fall for...of course i was angry with this writer too for being truthful and cruel....i didnt cry as much with this book as i did with the other...but still....i know it all...this book had some really great stuff in it...how hell is being alone.....to be alone is to be in hell...how you need to see with your heart instead of your eyes and how you will only be allowed to fly when you are ready....ive always wanted to fly...its my dream...flying...i remember i used to spread my arms and spin in the wind and say i was flying...no, this isnt when i was young, this was just a few years ago...i dont do it anymore...all my feathers fell off....disappointments made them fall....i feel them growing back, im ready...i want to fly...help my fly...anyway, the book had a happy ending, which of course made me cry too...but thats good...usually im pretty paranoid about the type of books i check out..as of late ive been more "who care"...im gonna check them out and go to hell if you dont like it...maybe its the fluctuating weather...hmmm....checked out 2 other books too..next book im gonna read is "eighty-sixed" by david b. feinberg...a book about AIDs..i better start saving my tears......turned in the other 2 books i started...wasnt getting anywhere with them...oh well.

work was fine i guess, once you give up hope of finding somebody then work becomes work and its no longer a haux, its work and its fine....i gave my 2 weeks notice....last day is sunday cos the rest of the days had been given off for christmas..some stupid rules or something...dunno, they hate me anyways...gonna try and finish the 2 books by sunday...yikes...so, i listened to my fav no station, brit pop of course...heard some good bands...went to lunch had my peanut butter and coke...back to the lab and it was mighty slow..only about 6 diff people within the 3 hours...mostly read and read the book...but its kinda hard to read in such a public place..hard cos i know that im liable to start crying cos of the book...careful, gotta be careful...plus i was feeling kinda sad already cos its gonna end soon...yes, as much as i complain about it...its my second home...human contact...if college doesnt go through, ill prolly die of nothingness....dunno...

watched buffy!!!!! oh willow!!!! spike spike spike....spike......andrew is so cute..haha....i still want them to kill xander...anyway...buffy!!!

there was a beautiful moon in the sky when i got home...*sigh*....id like to fly up to the sky and touch it.

combed the hell outta my hair...mighty ouchfest...the joyous combination of bleach damaged hair and yucky gel residue...im silly.

i just wanna be free to be the real me....i want to know that its ok...dont tell me otherwise...huh..they just happen to show the matthew shepard commercial at this moment...*sigh*...ok, i just visited his site and had to leave cos it was gonna make me start to cry again....enough of that...if i keep on, ill just end up rambling on religion und life and god..etc....i dont need this right now...

i miss work already :(....whats to become of little ol me...

good nite?.....bad nite?...its so wonderous outside at the moment..lovely wind blowing...dark sacred night...makes me star eyed..oh well......nite.

no nap today, so to bed i will go earlier...yes

i try to be honest, but sometimes its just too hard...but i am honest...or as honest as i can be...thats good enough for me.

i seem to be wordless today, used them all up yesterday...oh well

i feel this ending really soon....no, not the world...not life....just my space....my small space in time and universe...while it helps me purge my mentalness, its become somewhat chore-ish....waste of time?....

im mighty happy for my friend, i just hope he follows his heart and if the rest of the world doesnt like it well then they can all just fuck off....good luck..try not to put too much thought into it...thoughts usually end up ruining the moment....:) youre a good person who deserves happiness, if youve found it, grab it and keep it in a safe place....

ok, seems to be all for now....ta...now they sleep.

ok, ive heard several of the "release" pet shop boys songs...i liked them all....i need to get that album!!!! mighty great stuffs...i still need to get the flaming lips album...much stuffs also...santa?..yeah right.

of course most of the day was spent being loggish...listened to musics, watched telly, looking through old papers, etc....my mom keeps everything...all my report cards from kinder-12th.well, most of them atleast...newspaper clippings, other such rubbish...

so...my mum started saying how theyll prolly have to sell the house to pay off all the medical bills from when my father had the quintuple bipass....hmm...its just a house i guess...just have to wait and see....the future always seems bleak...im still not positive on what im gonna do...

work work work..wonder how work will be today...why do i even bother...always the same routine...nothing exciting ever happens, just that one time....now its all blah blah....i might be giving my 2 weeks notice today...80 percent chance i will....dunno dunno...

its hard finding the right lyrics...sometimes i want to put certain ones, but then i realize that they might be misinterpretted...i dont want to give certain people the wrong idea...if i had something to say, id go ahead and say it....ive dont it before...so the lyrics are just what im feeling at the moment and sure, sometimes i try to communicate through them but not always...so um...im babbling...so anyways, the petshop boys really do have many wonderful songs with great lyrics, i just never gave them a listen...maybe now

and now to end this on a funny/pathetic/sad note...know what song i get in my head real easy and start singing along to? ok, dont throw rocks at me, but its "beautiful" by christina aguilera...haha....i know its just some stupid mass marketed song, but i just really wish that i was able to view myself as such and be able to sing it and believe it...who cares, i like it...atleast until i hear it a million times on the radio, then i can start hating it...but meh.

now im done.... :)...really.....hugs and such....nite..or morning..um...yikes.

la la la la...just here treating my current pet shop boys addiction...my mind is so easily led astray...it finds something and just hooks into it...blarg...so my fav song is "i get along" and now ive got it in my head that ive gots to get me their new album..grah

well, yesterday i comented how i was downloading stupid updates...well, when i turned the computer on and tried to sign on to the internet i would get an error that the modem wasnt working or somethiing...so i was all cursing the advent of updates...never again..so there i am for about an hour going all ape cos i couldnt come online...searching all the help thingers and going through the modem files...so i finally decide to just use the systems disk thinger and reinstall the modem hardware device thinger...and then it worked!!!! some jigging might have been done after such a feat..haha...but once again with the never agains...

lately i find my true inner self trying to rear its flowery head, but we cant have that can we....you can run and run but it will catch up and pass you...the days of me thinking it was a phase are gone...its accept it or die emotionally...both choices seem kinda bad....i go around walking all mechanical, i know i could be struting around like a graceful duck...not swan, im not that graceful..haha...better yet, like a graceful silly goose...and the music...its regrouping towards the other end of the spectrum...i listened to pet shop boys whlist growing up, beeing an 80s child and all, but then a while back i just couldnt bring myself to listen to them...too campy and clubish...and now there you see me wanting to get their latest album...same thing with daft punk...first time i saw the victorias secret commercial with the song "one more time" i thought that it was the absolute gayest song ever...and now as you know, i think its mighty brilliant...love it!!!!...now, dont be expecting me to start listening to cher or anything like that..haha...

at work i was in a dreamy pop and ethereal music mood...listened to cocteau twins, sigur ros, enya, the doves....also, instead of reading like a good lil boy, i spent most of the time looking at pet shop boys web site...yes, i need pills.

lesse, helped the non asian looking asian girl, said my hellos to the korean guy, helped a couple with power point, showed a girl how to cut and paste, an annoying lady gave me a headache..und my coworker gave me some candies :).

got home and had some bread with butter substitute...mmmhmm....und then i was mighty lonelyish cos my mum and dad went to my uncles birthday thingerand you know im a freak that fears family so i stayed here alone...its horrible, i dont think i would be able to live alone...id go crazy...when im home im always locked up in my room, but i know that theres life on the other side of the door, but when the house is empty...i am empty...so i went outside for a while and played with mah stray cat...shes the only one that loves me...so it was nice and fresh and i carried her a bit then came inside...walked around the house then finally desided to go to the window and be a peeper...watched life happening...so i was very sad...i threw myself on the laundry pilled sofa and lay in the dark for a while...decided to just go back to my room and mope in there..watched some telly, ate some pringles and took a nap...

listening to martin gore solo now..

dunno if you can tell, but im seriously trying to control my crazy mood...im trying mighty hard to be good...happy...amusing...but i seriously want to be gloomy and annoying(er) deranged, dunno what i want.

i should know really soon if im really going to college or not...its getting close....i had thought that if i didnt go that id still end up leaving the job...but now i dont know...sure its evil and evil and evil, but evil deserves evil...what else am i gonna do?...id miss seeing the same grotty people from everyday life....dunno, and college, do i really need to go...i want to so that i can be around other creative souls, but is that reason enough?...

funny happening whilst window watching...so there were these three kids riding their bikes in the street and then this dog that terrorizes our neighborhood started barking at them so they went running and left their bikes behind...welll, sure it doenst seem funny, but i was laughing and it took my sadness away for a short while...so then they came back with like their whole family just for the bike.

i dreamt about a certain somebody that always makes me smile...hadnt had a dream with this person in a while...was nice, but there was scaryiness interwoven in the dream...blood and these metal disk thingers that would dig into peoples skin and school lunches and using paper clips to get them out...but dreaming about that person made it worth the while...but im over it and im copeing and im fine...believe me, if i wasnt then youd be reading a totally different entery...but as you can tell im back to the old form...waiting for the next one....next...let the next one be the right one...only the special ones appear in dreams...thats why the last one never did...prolly be in a nightmare...i wonder...if this bitter heart would come back and call to me...id prolly go running, after all, abuse is better than nothing....but still, this person makes me sooo..arg!!!! just wants to miserate everybody...but there was a bit of sweetness..still, one pound of sugar doesnt cancel out 3 pounds of vinegar...if the chance had arisen i wouldve been anything for this person but it didnt so i wasnt...now i realize that its good that it didnt happen...this person wasnt really great, this person was just there....so anyways, bring on the next one....so, message recieved, im over it...

im so ready to do something radical to my hair...really!!!! cant wait.

yes im always going on and on about oh groovy boy and purty guy and so forth but as of late ive realized that i really dont care...well, i dont want the elephant man, but people are people and nice people are nice....and ive said it before, i just want somebody to hug me...some nice caring arms, thats all...i just wish that others felt the same...i know that ive got a nice pair of caring arms and a whole caring body to go with them.........i just need to find somebody that will look at me and tell me that they wished that i weighed more...haha...oh, one can dream.

my grand mother turned 87 yesterday....and my uncle 53...no, theyre not related.

ive been neglecting the sky, havent been adoring it....i will

um....ive said too much...and thats enough...for now at least...weird how sometimes theres something and sometimes theres nothing....i guess i was inspired by reading other peoples thoughts...theyre good, so i want to be good too..

i wonder if food will agree with me today or will it be another regular day.

i get to rest cos its my day off...yes, that means sleep, telly, snack and more sleep....blah...so i know that its not gonna happen today since im gonna be stuck in my room...so maybe tomorrow then....yes?

finished the book "foreign exchange"...it was an ok graphic novel...a bit odd though...ive become very picky about what i read...if i dont get into it within the first few pages, then i just discard it....weve just all got different flavors...

just finished watching some pokemon...yes, im easily amused, but thats a good thing..well, i guess thats a lie...im just amused by odd things...most "funny" things just bore me...meh

of course work was mighty blarg...i wouldnt have it any other way...:p...just 2 peoples annoyed me...i listened to my new fav internet station...the brit pop station...but as you know, brit pop has a sombering effect on me...makes me all breakdownish...heard some really great tunes by new order and pet shop boys...*sigh* inducing blur, coldplay, gene, travis and portishead...dunno, just brought me down..but its me, the mood i mean...it just fits me....so, that pretty much set up the mood for the rest of my day....got home, was all sadish..did a bit of fetal lying in bed whilst listening to radiohead and then later some self loathing mirror watching...yes

blah, just downloading some stupid update thingers...hhhh

just seems that ive never anthing ot say anymore....im drying out..fish outta water.

i wish i could just wake up one day and be a totally different person...somebody who loves themself and is confident and normal and happy being normal...someone who doesnt fear the backlash of being ones self...someone who knows love and is able to show love....some one good.

im inclined to wonder where certain people find the power to carry on with this so called life.....how do they manage to get up each morning and go through the cycle each and every day...how do you do it?

maybe something interesting will happen at work today....maybe today.

..sometimes it just seems that ive nothing to share...you get up, live your so called life, just go on floating endlessly, come down and nothing seems to really stick out...no details...its just all so mundane....why write about it...who wants to read that the sun came up and the grass was green...and the cat went *meow* and the wonky boy went *sigh*...

at work i was gopher boy....i was all running around everywhere...i like helping peoples....i helped a guy in the lab...its like the second or third time i help him...he seems a bit off or just a bit slow..nothing dramatic....helped an older lady the other day...she was all like "mega thanks", well not in those words, but you get the idea...also, i got to sign up a groovy guy at the counter cos it was vacant at the time...me being the angel that i am went to help him...its the second time i get to sign him up.....he just goes occationally, but when he does go, boy he stays like for 5 hours absorbing radiation....anyway, so i went to lunch, then when i waa going back upstairs he was there coming down to leave...he saw me and said "have a nice day" or something to that extent..of course i was all doing backflips in my head....yes, im deranged...

so, yesterday night was the christmas party, i ofcourse didnt attend...they dont need me and i dont need them...so whilst they partied i napped...seems about right....it was at some stupid restaurant at about 10 dollars a plate...i wasnt about to pay that much for just a salad...i know i wouldve been the wall flower.....its stupid anyways....i did get my gift though...i got a little real life christmas tree plus 20 dollars in the little card...wah!!! i figure that the tree was about 5 or more plus the 20 thats about 25 plus on me!!! thats cos they told us the gifts were supposed to be between 10 and 15 dollars...so, for once i actually got something good...life and money..so much better than the gift certificate i had asked for....of course the money wants to be spent....its restless.

thursday i saw my grandmother...i hadnt seen her in like 2 years and thats cos she only lives about 1 mile from our house...so that made me smile..even though she can be evil personified sometimes... :)

the year is almost over and ive nothing to show for it...a bunch of couldve beens, mightve beens, almost dids, and never will happens...hate this time of year, its so lonely.

ive been a real pringle monster lately..keep them away from me!!!!

i hope something nice happens at work today, if not then it will just be an everyday....we learn to live for those everydays, we condition ourselves..its the only way, if not then we'd just die.

im still reading...something less traumatic...

for christmas i want to be happy, thats the gift i want...happiness, not just kitten happy, but the whole kitten and puppy and wombat and turtle happiness....i might as well ask for a million dollars.

forgive me..yes?

i just finished reading the book "dream boy"...of course i was all crying my eyes out...it was so sad and frustrating...its just so wrong that we cant live our lives without being judged and hurt by those who just dont know....made me so mad...this book...makes me so mad that life can be like this...it is like this....the main character(nathan)...first when he's younger, hes constantly raped by his god fearing father and the mother does nothing...then, he finds the love of his life and that has to go about in the shadows..the dad tries again so nathan has to live in the woods to escape...the boy he loves helps him..then, when theyre discovered, the guy who found them rapes him and beats him to death....then while lying dead, he sees everthing that is happening to him...sees how the guy he loves is torn, empty...with the longing, he comes back, he makes himself go back into his body...he will not die and leave his love...he goes and finds him and they embrace, not caring what the world thinks anymore...so, they flee together..not looking back....the world is theres...love...dunno, i hate and love the book.....i hate it cos the writer allows all these bad things to happen...but i love it cos it shows that love does exist...dunno.....too upset to write anything else...and my eyes hurt...i hate books...its just so wrong that words can make you feel so much

went to mall, not to many peoples..just the right amount....got the gift...a buffy the vampire slayer 2003 calender...yes, thats what she put on the wish list...went to music store...rolled my eyes at the outrageous prices and shoddy music selections...then went to target, looked through music of course...tempted...i wanted no doubt limited edition rock steady, best of shakira, white stripes limited edition, and 30 seconds to mars, lthe new ord of the rings soundtrack cos i saw that it had one song by sheila chandra and one by elisabeth fraser!!!...also, i wanted mr ravi shankars daughters album...a certain norah jones..they should do something together, ravi, norah and her sister anoushka..2 sitars and a piano..could happen..anyway, didnt get anything...just a 1 pound bag of peppermints..yum...anyway...gave some spare change to the salvation army bell ringer, i think its the same one each year right outside target..anyway, when he said thanks and god bless etc...it made me feel like i was someone else...someone good...just for that one moment it was ok...but dont worry, im nothing again.

started reading yet another book...its really good, sad, happy, touching, weepy...all the good stuffs, i just need about 50 more pages to finish....just a short novel...i really wanted to finish it right now, but its too late.

i listened to alot of bright eyes and some pulp...some punk radio at work....i think it was green and black day at work...several of us managed to wear green shirts with black pants....weird...i smell a conspiracy....also, i was so engrosseed in my work that when i looked at my watch it was already 2 min past my clock out time..so i was all..eek...turned everything off and speed to punchout...yikes.

my funny plump stray cat ran in the house again...shes too funny...my dad was all stomping mad..he was all *roar*...she ran in, put on the brakes, and ran back out...shes just too much....*glee*

i wonder how ill feel when i awaken today..at work....i hope its not a brink of tears day...

my novela finished :(...its done...sad sad...im always sad when they finish....of course i was all weepy...but then again, everything makes me weepy, anyway...i was semi-pleased with the finale...i cant believe they just let the clone walk into the sands with no definite future...*sigh* i wonder which will be my next novela, that was my third south american soap...which will be the fourth?...i need a new one...helps life a bit....

returned a book and checked out 2 more...now i have 3....read read read...read...

the flaming lips preformed on craig kilborn on monday night!!!! i wonder if steve burns was one of the stuffed animalies...i need that album!!!!! yes, im obsessed with the lips at the moment...i will get that album....

it seems that everybody at work is disenchanted...see, im not imagining the horror...they all hate it there

if you go looking for it, you cant seem to find it and if you just sit there waiting, it wont just fall into your lap...i just dont know how to go about it.....the every elusive love...gah

today i just work 3 hours...then ive gots to go malling to get a gift for a coworker...secret santa...stupid concept...

as you can tell, im being, or atleast trying to be more neutral towards things...negative is no good, and happy would just be me acting...so neutral is just about right....so yay i guess

at work i listened to tori amos' "under the pink" and "boys for pele" and the blur live album...

i wish i had a reason to be all smiley being that its nearing the holidays....

my stray cat has gotten all big and fat and soft from all the food shes being feed :)....she still makes me smile..well, only when shes not meowing her hunger at the door or window.

i guess thats all...let it happen.

hmm...dont want my ambition to run rampant....maybe less will be more...ill mess with it later...urg.

blue is my room.

its coldish

bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzz

slowly slowly slowly i will fade away into the background...my presence being felt less and less til no more am i around...blah blah

um....finished the book...now i can continue with the other...read read i will read.

me going to college is at about 40% chance...i guess thats why you prepare early and not wait til the last moment like a dope.

im running out of words

maybe positive things will happen....maybe

the future is uncertain....ive yet to find my place....thats all.

i hate the fact that i associate certain things to certain peoples...it just makes things harder for me, instant reminders...books, animals, music, clothing brands..you try and forget, then there it is..there he is....just makes this thing called living harder than it has to be...its me, im making it harder on myself..always me....

be happy...be...............

"...Everytime I get no further
How long has it been?
Come on in now
Wipe your feet on my dreams...

...I've done this before
And will do it again
C'mon and kill me baby
Whilst you smile like a friend
And I'll come running
Just to do it again.

(I can't believe it
that this is still going on
Just how stupid can one person be?
Just how stupid and wrong)..." excerpt from "like a friend" by pulp

im pretty much nonthought guy at the moment...

my interest in comp tech keeps waning....im all blah about it...give me flesh over hardware anyday...even though im very antihuman, i do prefer them to internetishness...youd think that somebody like me would thrive on the net, all it does is make me wilt.

im nicer to strangers than i am to the known....its part of my cruel nature...lets help those strangers...dad, help yourself.

sometimes i dont know what to feel....i look at my life and dont want to be in a happy mood....sometimes i just feel that i should be miserable....contentness doesnt equate...i should be ok with my life....im at war with myself, and you know, nobody wins when theres a war....im just gonna go m.i.a.

im am an emotional yo-yo

ok, telepathically send me false hopes....yes, you!!!! :) see, im not completely lost cause yet.

im feeling slightly less psycho right now..i guess thats good.

i know i can be pretty silly some times..well all the time, but its just my way...i guess thats why people leave, im too much to handle...anyway, i realize how i am, i know what im doing...force of habit...its ok.nobody should have to deal with me i guess.

i think i got an old document induced rash on my hand...i was handling old scrapbooks and when i was done my left hand was red and itchy....plus i cut my right hand with a plastic spiral comb...just being accident prone, thats me.

lately ive been less something and more whatever...yes

peoples who hide from inevitable confrontation are naughty...tsk

ive had dreams about college, work, weird blue tomato hybrid and other goodies...blah

im a cruel person...im very indifferent to people...well most anyway...they share and im all like "yes" but i really mean "whatever"....i let them humour me, plus it makes them feel better....thats my fate...the ones that wont share are the ones that i care for....a select few....

ive been very cereally lately...honey bunches of oats is my current poison...i eat it like candy...grab the box and start munching away...im pretty sure i could consume the whole boxed content in a sitting...blarg.

so as you can tell by my less ogreish writing, im somewhat fine for the moment...

i dislike charlie brown...very antiquated...but it guess i could very much be charlie...life is always moving the football just as im about to kick it......so i guess i dislike him cos i am him....sometimes not making much sense...i am him

i havent weighed myself in a long time...its ok, i dont want anther of those episodes...i dont need to traumatize myself...eek

im still here...let me care....keep the dream real....let me know...um...im thinking that im done....stick a spork in me, im done.

im feeling totally masochistic right now..*sigh* im too weak...now my heart hurts....a guy at work made me a cd with lottsa mp3s on it...like 690 mbs of mp3s....so thats what im listening to....the masochistic part iis me listening to cibo matto and depeche mode...lottsa depeche mode...many many depeche modes...*sigh again* it just put me in a very strange mood...caused things to stir...caused me to lose my grip on avoidence....i read it..after abstaining my eyes from his words for much time i caved in and read them...one persons happiness is anothers heartache....now im listening to the morrissey mp3s...i wish i could just jab a spoon into my heart, my brain, my soul...id scoop him out...but then again, i think that having no memory would be just as bad...havening not know...for the memories of the few smiles, a tormented soul i would bear...but enough of that

it seems ive been mega negative lately...i thought i had outgrown that...but with everything thats happening...the uncertain future...the horribleness that is work...work has just become such a punishing venrture...its draining my life...i dont even hunt peoples anymore...i sit and actually do work...everything is just wrong...the lady even called me eeyore...how predictable.

i hate my hair, its such crap....my hair is crap

i dont know what im doing...i dont know what im doing...nobody knows what im doing...nobody cares what im doing...all the wrong people care...its all crap...my hair is crap, my life is crap, my thoughts are crap, my music...what the hell kind of music am i listening to?...whats wrong with me? why cant i listen to normal people music and be a good boy....everything is crap...my hands are fucking cold and its all crap....me with my crap thougths...nobody is wrong...the world is right, im the wrong one...hating everybody and everything...what wrong with me, the only thing that deserves the hate is me...end of thought.

i feel myself sliipping....i dont want to go back to that place...i dont want to slip....i know i put on a good act, but i really wouldnt mind being happy..."that place" isnt a pretty place....its dark, lonely, wet with blood and tears....i dont want to go back....i want to smile...i want somebody to smile with me.

and that ends this session of things nobody wants to hear about.

172...pg 172...and that is my life.

uniform takes the joy out of life....i jumped around to 3 clubish songs...jumped, spasmed, girated...it was totally absurd...it was brilliant...it was movement without thinking...the release of energies and the forgetting of problems...i used to do this months ago, then with every session of silliness the boredom grew...it started mutating into exercise until finally it was....10 of those and 40 of these...it was so robotic...not fun anymore...not spontanious...such is life...routine is death, being routine kills the soul..the spirit...let us all be absurd, random, let us be us.

a while ago i was ready to pour and pour thoughts and nonsenses...but my will has left me...now its just like *meh*...no reason, what for...just rubbish, my thoughts....its loseing life force...almost dead...my whole will to express...its on its last legs.....

i wish i could survive on being uniform....boredom is safe, routine is safe, up is up and the sky is blue, the boys kiss the girls and they dont have to hide their love from the bitter hearts....its the chance to live even if you arent alive...atleast you can live.

if only we could be alive and live...live our lives.

........................................................

page 112...im on page 112 of the book...and thats it....im too everything to write anything...i was very breakdownish but who cares...i read and thats that...i will read my everything away...thats all i have.

i checked out "the buddha of suburbia" by hanif kureishi, from which the british movie was based and from which the david bowie song of the same name is based....since i liked the song, i decided to start with the book...so far so good, see, ive actually been reading, on page 62 already...im just gonna focus on the book...i need to keep my mind on something else for craziness is on the rise...this will help calm me...plus, ive heard that reading is good for you..go figure...:p

and that is all i have to say or else continue to step out of bounds furthermore...soon this will end...i will liken this all to the rubbish that it is...it will be so...my past will be so...it will be so.

geesh, sometimes i can sound so pathetic...well, not sometimes..all the time...i really try my best, but that is my best...i just cant override my mindset...its gonna take some time...i will be better...theres no other way...just better, thats all i can do...try to be better then maybe somebody will notice...if im better...but enough of that, i dont need to start with this again....so again with the sorrys...let the world be happy...ill be with the trying to be happy...

ok gnite for real now...forgive me, yes?

i want to know your life but its too painful...being in the shadows and all

sure crying is bad, but its what i do best, cry and bitch...ive honed these skills....

give us a hug.

tears...sometimes i really wish that tears actually meant something...wish they were worth something...its all in vain, all a waste....amplifies the hurt, nothing more nothing less...i can cry 1000 oceans and all i will gain is drowning...drowning in my own misery.but thats what we want sometimes..to drown...i wouldnt mind drowning....i felt like drowning, i try to convince myself that it helps...maybe if i cry enough i may get my way, may find a way...if i cry enough, itll happen..let it happen

i was actually a good person at work, good and helpful...first it was cold...i was all like COLD...then as the people streamed in so did the heat..soon i was burning up...its not good, hot cold hot cold hot cold....had to be jacketless for a few....so as i was saying, i was good personish...i didnt discriminate...today i helped a girl...she didnt have her card, i let her on with her boyfriends? card...she was a purty blondie...after she was done, she was all like "oh thank you very very much...i owe you"...then i helped a chinese guy with access...well, i helped to the best of my ability atleast...then there was this man that wanted me to type something for him..i almost did, but i didnt...then there were all the people that sign in on the waiting list then disappear...i have to go hunting for them..here there everywhere...there was a white tank topped boy today.. :)....harry potter girl was there too...some 13 year old thats obsessed with daniel radcilff or whatever his name is...saw college girl...she left cos there was no comp....the guy couple was there...grotty guy with his overly skinny boyfriend?...its cold an all and there he is in his shorts..go figure...anyway, he got poked with a wire or something from the chair...oh the trauma...last time they were there i could have sworn that the grotty guy was stalking a jail baitish boy..really, about 15 years old...whenever he would appear the guy would get up and head towards him...i even think that little chicken liked being stalked..had this grin and he was just walking back and forth looking suspicious...anyway...um...so again with the hotness...and thats about it...meh.

so i work today...eeek im usually off on mon but not today....tomorrow its gonna be a long day..wake up early, go visit college, come home eat, go to work and get out and come home around 840...eek

:) they were showing koko the gorilla on pbs...eeeeee

ohh...so anyway, i reason for the first paragraph was cos of all the couples at the library...seeing couples always insignificants me....puts me in one of my moods...if the grotty guy can find somebody then why cant i?....the personals are always tempting...but i shouldnt have to...

so...back to the beginning...so maybe crying doesnt do anything, it helps me...just let me...im not harming anybody...just let me do it.

wont you let me feel like i have worth?...wipe my tears away?....*sigh* ok...im done....maybe today.

sometimes i wonder if there really is that 1 person for everybody..and why some people get more than that 1 person....i wonder if ill find somebody who feels that im worth their time...im not worth anybodies time...so it seems...

is this stupid...insignificant...when you realize that there is life all around, it just makes this seem so stupid...makes MY life seem so stupid...but wanting it wont help, thatll just make you feel bad...i want it enough, its the doing part....

maybe today will be a wonderful hope filled day with many beautiful people asking for my help...many groovy tank topped boyos, punk girlies, ...preferably tank topped punk boyos...haha....*sigh*....im just setting myself up for another disappointing day...many more to come...maybe someday

mep....the moon with the translucent clouds conjours visions of your clumsy beauty...make the pain go away, with a smile, make the world be right....make it all seem right for a moment, just on moment...give me a purpose...let me be your purpose...lets be free, cross the masses away, let them see that together we are beautiful, not wicked as their skewed distorted eyes see us...lets prove them wrong....let them see the error of their ways...let our happiness be revenge...then just disapper into the night...float away...lets be free.

sorry, narcoleptic enduced poetry is the worst kind...later on ill be all like wtf is all that crap....sorry.

note to self: get more sleep

not cold, just cool...its just fresh right now

work...see, i was right, many many many peoples...it was horrible!!!!! i had a waiting list of about 7 at one time...it was all, youre in youre out...on a bright note, there was one groovy guy...im so bad, there i go bending rules for the groovy...he forgot his card yet i still let him use the comp...i rationalized it in my head by telling myself that since it was school work that he needed to do that it wasnt really a bad thing...its for college, hes just trying to better himself...again with the badness....anyway, of course he got stuck in the comp closest to me, its not my fault that it was the only available one....so i got stuck with mr muscle-y arms there...mr muscle-y arms in a black tank top...haha...anyway....it was mighty hot in the lab and cold in the rest of the building...not good.

hm...just watched a thing about orchids on pbs...pretty interesting.

ive really got to stop..got to stop trying to be somebody else just to be noticed...i shouldnt have to, but it seems thats the only way...even as such, i still fail...there seems to be no end...i just cant win....i dont know how to be myself...i have no purpose...no identity...i cant be myself cos i dont know what i am...i dont know who i am....but still ill try again, maybe theyll notice for i know that ill never be noticed for my soul, for my personality, for my charm, for my good will...definetly not my looks...theres nothing there....nothing to work with....i guess ill be the weird boy...weird, odd, gloom boy is eons better than the nothing boy, invisible boy...so i guess i was wrong...i dont have to stop trying..ive got to try harder