and so i wait and see what comes to pass. a fruitfull life? extraction of the husk? many many happy hours? maybe, just maybe i'll be able to steal some smiles from somebody without feeling like a criminal. its the beginning of a new age.

on my mind always

give me the drive to make it happen...let it happen.

goodnite and thankyou.

im a glutton for zombiness...sleep, i could...do i?...noooooooo. i know

tick tick tic tik tick tikk tic tick tik ticc

my room is in such disarray that it kills me....headache in a bottle...dont want to even look.

seems dads depressed...ha, runs in the family...lets start being a family by partaking in shared pill usage..ha...its funny really...we are all geese...

the world seems quiet right now...calm...its nice...then again, i wouldnt mind the noise of life next to me.....oh well...

its so close....so near....its gonna happen someday...

hopefully everything will be great...has to be great.....good luck...

thats all...too drained to care....blah.

back to the tried and true.

got rid of my roots...my hair seems to be one color now...well, seems to be atleast...til it washes out...weird, the dye turned a pink color...now my hair seems a strawberry blonde, as opposed to the nordic blonde the bottle spoke of...deep conditioned as well...i so wanted a lighter color, but fear of hair loss kept me grounded....so basically, my hair is some yellow..bleh..ive gotta start off somewhat normalish...

ha!!!! marc is winning my attention...its a sign..whilst at the mall in jcpenneys i heard tainted love on the pa...that and i got 2 pair of pants for 20 dollars!!!! total. im fickle and cheap...and theyre pants that actually fit me more than usual..all the pants i have right now are like size 34...but these 2, i actually got 2 size 32 pants, and they still seem a bit loose...first i had gotten some 34, but when i tried them on i was all like...eek...they were like waaaaaaaay too big...ha, im drying out, i look in the mirror and i see fat, yet ive never been able to pull of a 32, but now...and still i see fat...*rolls eyes at self* so anyway, now ive got 2 pants that fit me!!!! yes, ive been malling alot as of late, but its all in preperation...so back to marc, whilst coming home, on the radio, there it was again...i got to hear tainted love again!!! and so, its a sign, 2 marcs in one day....sorry, i just need simple ways to amuse myself.

they showed that lance loud thing on pbs again...i watched it again...i can honestly say that ive seen it about 4 times....the 3 times it came out on mon night/tue morning and now on wed/morning...thats 8 of my hours...eek...whenever i get something in my head, watch out...

death by candy canes...thats what itll read...candy cane induced overdose...my mom, shes been providing my with oodles of canes...im addicted now...to peppermints and now..jelly belly candy canes...gah, theyre great...she buys them cos theyre left over christmas merch...she got 2 boxes for 50 cents each..plus the box i already ate the other day...sugar insanity?...maybe.

ok, done....tired, burned out....so close....

sure it gets odder and odder, but with the impending end of it, i seem to care less about structure and more about output...now is the time..now or never...and im ok with it.

this one is a doozy, dont ready if you're sane, get motion sickness, value your sanity, value your time, if youre a human....

its so much better to write something at the exact moment that youre feeling it, otherwise it feels forced, trying to remember...grasp those feelings again. theyve slipped now hard to find. i realize now that they were dumb anyway, just my typical crazy rant......but i really wanted to. ive come to notice that the only time im completely honest and out & about is when im drowning in emotions..

sometimes its hard to be completely honest...i try, i want to be..you worry, you worry what will be thought...i realize that its what people want, thats what they expect when they read these things..they know the price for reading is getting their truth. nobody forces this upon them...own free will, to know...anyway, maybe some truths later.

ive gotten into one of my little warholian moods....nico, lou reed, velvet underground, chelsea girls, ultraviolet, candy darling, jackie,joe, billy, gerrard...etc.etc.etc. maybe i wouldve fit in with those misfits...sure they were all a bunch of drug addicts, transvestites, hustlers, seedy individuals..but..in my own odd way im just as odd....most of them burned out though...faded away. they all just needed people to be themselves with, they just wanted love, acceptence, love, love love....like me, they just needed to find their place...we're monsters....we're human monsters..theyve all a story, albeit a sad one...im drawn to the sad and depressing.....naturally im listening to nico right now, last night/this morning i was more into it...rocked to lou, vu, and ultraviolet...then it leads to the bowies and the iggys....then all your glam and punk....its too engulfing...once again its me, im just too compulsive...i cant just be normal...its really too much, it is...i dont want it, i want to listen to top 40 radio and be happy with it, i want to live in the now, not the warhol 60/70's...why do i have to be such a quirk. what cant i be enthused by normal life things, why all this weird stuff. *sigh* yes, seems sometimes i dont even know what im saying...

ive already listened to the best of lou reed about 5 times through...eee

im tired of saying that im over everything...im not!!!! you cant control your heart, im not over it/you...still have feelings, probably will for sometime.....its not used to, its still do....what do you do? you watch from a safe distance...dont know how many times ive pleaded for that statement....a simple "be gone" "no way in hell"..all i get is a "um..." "the sky is blue" "you great person you"...all it does is frustrate me even more...and i know that theres only so much you can milk a cat before it bites you but ive just gotta try to fill that carton. i know im vague much, but this is as concrete as i will be found. there will be no more revisitations, rereleases, now, just out of print. it also annoys, im not good enough to be company, yet from afar i make adequate past time...subpar human study...good for a quick laugh, then off to real life. i come off as the prop, the doctor office muzak....nowadays "friend" is such a throw away word...its like "a" and "the"...i know im right when i dont employ the word that often....but people just give it out like candy...here friend, there friend, we're friends, theyre friends....its lost meaning...anyway, back to the voyeurism of life...thats for strangers, they dont know, they like quick peeks....you, id expect more..it aggrivates me. im not worthy enough to give 1 min...to be asked about life, instead, you like it handed to you on a silver platter, no messy convo, just the present facts..make quick get away...go and come unseen, avoid the pander of a weepy woman....sometimes i want to stop just to spite you, but i would only end up hurting myself...this helps me, i need it to some extent, but you...for you its just like ketchup....not the brand you use, just the generic kind....just to give a little flavor to life....i know im easily replaced..or not even, just discarded....people tire of ketchup, they move on to salsa.....but it seems that im already shooting myself in the toe...even after all this frustration i still come to the same conclusion...is me...im just unagreeable, small doses are somewhat nice, but too much is heartburn, torture....toxic in large amounts....i know is me...hmm. that pretty much went from texas, to canada, to sri lanka, then crashed somewhere in italy and the message was lost...well, this is me in pure form, not for the masses, not radio friendly....for the avants...yeesh, i dont know whats worse, these cryptic essays or the droll "what i did today" safe bets....makes me laugh, really i can just see myself...the brain thinks one thing and the fingers think another, i'll never get that round peg through the square hole...this went from liking somebody to annoyances to friendship to my similarities to poison...well, thats as clear as im gonna get on this thing...now, if i was to be asked directly, then maybe id say a=a and b=b instead of my usual i=eye and q=que....i can go on and on...haha...but i wont...

the news is getter bleaker by the day...we need to know, but maybe in smaller amounts....dont need to overdose on war this and shootings that and death this and money that....

i love pbs...too great, one of my fav things....just too good, for the most part atleast.

no, burning bridges is not a hobby...it just happens.

so um....yesterday i got up, ate my rice lunch...got the blur dvd and flaming lips cd in the mail..entertained myself with that for a while...did my routine stressing over classes...took my nap....had some snackins for supper...tv bath net....i did have one of my sad moods earlier, but it went away before i reaped its benefits...had thoughts about maybe reading ultraviolets book, but dont really want to go to my old job to check it out....hmmm...dunno, who should get my attention..damon or brett....damon has a crooked charm and brett...well, bretts sleeker...i guess it wont hurt to divide my attention between the 2...now, where am i gonna fit marc in? (for those uninlightened few: brett anderson/suede, damon albarn/blur/gorillaz, marc almond/soft cell/solo) dunno, maybe i just charm easily.

ok, i think ive come off foolish enough for the day...gotten my cattiness out and caused enough "huh"s...my work here is done....between the one that breaks my heart, and the one that wont give me the time of day, i know ive got it made...wouldnt have it any other way...

and so ends this edition of the twilight zone....

final pages..

feeling less evil at the moment, but still determined to keep my word

"You leave in the morning
With everything you own
In a little black case
Alone on a platform
The wind and the rain
On a sad and lonely face

Mother will never understand
Why you had to leave
But the answers you seek
Will never be found at home
The love that you need
Will never be found at home..."

current lyric belongs to "small town boy" by bronski beat....being that i am a small town boy, im gonna have to claim that the song is about me...it so fits me...why i have to leave. i am so hopeful that my new life will be gallons of wonders...it has to work, it must. it will work and it will make me a better person.

horoscopes...hate them...dont believe them, yet its become a habit to read mine every single day...why? id like to think that maybe the paper could predict some happiness into my life, it might motivate me...funny thing though, yesterdays little comment on mine said "buy a cd" and of course i thought that highly amusing :)...was at kmart, but failed to buy any cds. speaking of horoscopes and signs...well, im a water sign, but sometimes i think maybe im air...ive this obsession with wind, air...if you know me, or have read me before, youve noticed my whole thing about autumn and fresh days and wind blowing and flying on the currents etc...just let the wind carry me to the moon.....being the moon calf that i am.

my sister needs to get hit in the head with a reality rock..or boulder....me?, a reality peeble shoud do.

my mom is great, sometimes i might say things or misrepresent her, she tries, she just wants whats best for me....even if i have to hide myself from her shes still great...now, i need to get away before i change my mind.

just a few to go...then, then my life will begin.

the world is cruel...selfish we are born. i give give give and still i get a bill..thats over now. too much already causing me distress, dont need extra. let them please themselves. they are the past, the past is past...to the future. they like space...give them space and more. im set free. so in closing, i have too many problems to be worrying about this...this or that...this, that or him...this, that, him or you. it couldve been great...and so im off...dont worry, as if you would.....and cut.

Close Down (the cure)

I'm running out of time I'm out of step and
closing down and never sleep for wanting hours
the empty hours of greed and uselessly always
the need to feel again the real belief of
something more than mockery if only I could
fill my heart with love

i used to be good at this...well, semi-entertaining atleast, recently ive become an eccentric....my writing just isnt what it used to be...to may factors adding up...its ok, its for me anyways...i like crazy crazy. dont expect to laugh much, unless patheticity amuses you much.

today im gonna turn in early...ive been on overdrive for the past few days...not good, ive seriously been on breakdown mode...migraneous....taking its toll on me....for the next few days, i dont even wanna think about college...wanna be calm.

obsessive compulsed much?

each day during that time i still feel like im in a movie...some movie...perpetually looping that one scene...sad scene with that song...that song that just takes you there...and i can actually see myself...its that scene...the scene where the protagonist kills himself...drinks the whole bottle of pills, slits his wrists....jumps off a building...slowly drifts into endless slumber...dunno, i just feel that if i was being videoed, id be in that scene...some morrissey song in the background...maybe i just dont know what im saying.

anyway...gonna quit...im much too worn out to be thinking these things, much less typing them....dont need this extra reminder

for you anything..just ask...id love to, but only with you.................and the incoherence starts to set in......

ok, sleeping now....

why read between the lines when you could actually be reading the lines....hmm...or something...or read both.

"...And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down...

...And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door...

...And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it."

oh fiona....love you we all do..."i know" that song was writ for me(yes, the song is called "i know")....*le sigh*...maybe i should take french class....but spanish will do since i know i can pass that....maybe japanese in the future...wah...

"...But now you only call me
When you're feeling depressed
When you feel happy I'm
So far from your mind
My patience is stretched
My loyalty vexed..."

morrissey morrissey morrissey...when is your new album gonna materialize...record deal?...come back to us. anyway, that lyric basically describes everybody..well, mostly everbody..then again, ive never been on anybodies mind.

sometimes i wonder why i even bother with the lyrics...they just mean so much to me and i think that maybe, just maybe they will get through...maybe they will mean something to somebody else...to you....but, what do i know....

"...I still don't belong
To anyone - I am mine

I am falling
With no-one to catch me
I am falling
And there's still
No-one to catch me ..."

hmm....morrissey and michael stipe would make an interesting couple....no, nothing to do with those lyrics, but they are morrissey so i just decided to do some word dropping.

"...Yes, I am blind
No, I can't see
The good things
Just the bad things, oh...

Yes, I am blind
No, I can't see
There must be something
Horribly wrong with me ?..."

yes, as of late ive resorted to alot of lyric quoting....as it get neerer i seem less focused and lyrics help me convey what i want to say...they do it so much better than i could...plus, you cant lose with the likes of morrissey on your side...seems this has become the morrissey blog...ill try better.

"I don't mind
I don't mind if you forget me
Having learned my lesson
I never left an impression on anyone

So now you send me your hardened 'regards'
When once you'd send me 'Love'
Sincerely I must tell you
Your mild 'best wishes'
They make me suspicious ..."

i bet that if i went through every single morrissey song and took some lines, id be able to write my biography...my story....ok, moving on, ive stole enough morrissey lyrics for today :)...if it hasnt gotten through, it ever will.

am i more vicious or petty?...both.

ive noticed recently that ive developed a speech inpediment...i get tongue tied too much..i stutter...try to say too much too fast, not that i have much to say. maybe its cos i havent been talking to people much that im forgetting how to talk..haha...but seriously, i get all blah blah blahblhablhlabhlblbh...it goes great with my twitchy eye and my other semi lazy eye and horrible skin and gelatinous body and straw hair and large teeth(ive been told) and slouch and bony body(yes, im bony and gelatinous at the same time), poor eye sight, and so on....

if i went away to a better place, i wouldnt miss anybody...ive nobody to miss...maybe my mom, but id miss her background noise the most..you know...hearing her cooking and moving pots and pans, arguing with my dad and sister....calling the cat...thats what people have become to me...the humming of the fridge.

the deadline has arrived and im still all shiftyminded...everything just keeps teleporting around my head...ideas being juggled. im just so bad at life.

i wish there were a way to get rid of lingering feelings...nothing good comes from them, they just sit around til they fester....i need a can of lingering feelings be gone......but maybe its me, maybe i dont want them to fly away....you know me, ever the masochist.

10 more days...journey about to begin...commencing countdown engines on...will i drift all the way to the moon or blow up on take off....hope i dont run out of gas before then.

ok, enough random chitchat...im done....til whenever.

ok, well here am i....if that means anything.

"...Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love
There is no way ...
Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love
But you see, I've got no charm ..."

yesterday i was mad cos mr blog wasnt working...i wanted to post and it just wouldnt, i was all like *grrrr* but now i guess it was for the best. i had this whole thing ready to post, alot more gibberish...incoherence to the nth degree. ive just had alot on my mind, going ons, driving me to be extra batty. stupid really...ive been. working it out on my own...the only way i know how.

"...And all of my life no-one gave me anything
No-one has ever given me anything
My love is as sharp as a needle in your eye
You must be such a fool
To pass me by ..."

well anyway, im gonna be putting less stuffs, nobody likes a crazy....filler, all filler......i need to find some substance. besides, school starts on the 13th....im gonna be too busy worrying and stressing and all the good stuff...been about 2 and half years since i went to school...nerves!!!!! im just too *EEK* to be messing with this...its ok, ive nothing making me do this...the sun will still shine...brighter maybe. im just gonna be more selective...dunno, if im gonna still have need for this once school starts...time will tell...

what will i do with my hair.....hmmm

my emotions might be eroding...is it possible to be apathetic towards ones self and be empathetic towards others? i wasnt even somewhat sad about new years...past years ive been all pieces but this year i was all *whatever* about it, no depressing music, no tears...maybe my soul has just come to accept my fate....its tired of caring too much about itself....meh

"...Come on to my house
Come on and do something new
I know you love one person so
Why can't you love two ?

Aah ...
Give a little something
Give a little something
To My Love Life ..."

the day was spent sleeping, listening to music(buffy the musical, smashing pumpkins, my bloody valentine, cocteau twins) and watching dvds(smashing pumpkins, morrissey) i mainly watched the morrissey vids to see gary day :) and of course the day included the stressing and worrying about college and self loathing...blah

"...Oh, give yourself a break
Before you break down
You're gonna need someone on your side

And here I am
And here I am
Well, you don't need
To look so pleased ! ..."

so anyway, theres gonna be less, then i dunno. besides, i just cause grief...im the muse of suffering. its been confirmed..i just cause you unneeded grief...dont worry, soon...no more. i tried too hard, more than should have been allowed. ive FINALLY realized that im only gonna get crumbs.its ok, im giving up bread...yes, im mumbling already. afasdfaddfasdfafd...but ill always love bread. :p

cos i felt like it i interwove some of morrisseys brilliant lyrics with my crap....yes, i am one silly goose.

ok, thats all for now...